Brian Griffin: The Mr. Skin Interview

Are you familiar with Mr. Skin?
Of course. How else am I supposed to go to the bathroom--oh, wait, you mean the website, I thought you meant my ... anyway, yeah, Mr. Skin. I know it well.

Do you visit our site often?
Yeah, I was there last night. I was watching TV and saw an old episode of The Jetsons where George goes to Las Venus to gamble and I was wondering if you had any nude pictures of Jane his wife. Just some side-boob, very disappointing.

For your sake, we'll work on upping our cartoon skin. But in the meantime, what's your favorite destination on Mr. Skin?
I usually keyword "nude fight scenes". Does that make me weird?

No, it makes you a dog that knows what kind of bone it likes. As a sophisticated canine, of the many actresses featured on our site, whose crotches would you most like to smell?
Well, as you know, a dog's sense of smell is a hundred times more powerful than a human's. So, for instance, if you smell a nice cup of coffee, what I'd be smelling is a pungent overwhelming stench of ground coffee beans that is literally beating my smell and taste follicles to a pulp. So to answer which crotches would I like to smell: none, thank you very much.

Can you recall as a puppy the first time you saw nudity in a mainstream movie?
Oh yeah. When Thora Birch (Picture: 1) flashed that psycho kid in American Beauty. I think you can find that clip on your site in the "teenagers who probably are too young to be showing their tits in a movie, but I'm not complaining" section. I'll never forget seeing that. Let me tell you, there wasn't enough peanut butter in the house that day.

Are you a fan of exploitation or sexploitation films?
I don't really like exploitation movies and I'm a little offended that someone thought that if they added an "s" to the word it would be clever. Sexploitation is exploitation, and I think we really only need one word for it. I just think women have it difficult enough in this society without having to watch Kim Basinger (Picture: 1) crawling around like a dog in 9 1/2 Weeks. We really need to support women more. For what it's worth, this attitude really helps me get laid too.

Have you ever worked with any of the other famous dogs of Hollywood, and if so, care to dish?
Yeah, I've worked with a lot of them. True story, I used to go drinking with Eddie, the dog from Frasier. Man, we got smashed the night he got the job on that show. He actually had a pretty severe alcohol problem. I mean, he's clean now, but he tells me the first three seasons, he has almost no recollection of it. Except that the old guy who plays Martin used to kick him in the neck.

Does your master, Peter Griffin, have a secret porn stash? Have you discovered it? And what's in it?
Peter used to keep videos under his mattress. But his collection got so big he was having a pretty hard time sleeping. Now that they're on DVD he can definitely fit more in there. I looked at what he had once and all I saw was some title about sex with Germans and lawn furniture. It freaked me out. I haven't looked since.

You've got quite the inter-species crush on Lois Griffin. What's the closest you two have come to consummating that relationship?
I humped her towel once while she was taking a shower. She didn't know I did it. You know what, you better not print that, she goes on Mr. Skin every now and then to see if there're any new Angelina Jolie clips. I caught her once when I was in the computer room humping her jacket--you know what, don't print that either. Just print this: I have a lot of respect for Lois and we're just friends but I have dated her bathrobe on and off (and then write in that you as the interviewer laughed at that joke).

Would it be narrow minded to say that doggie-style is your favorite position?
Narrow minded and completely accurate. I go to Mr. Skin for clips from Bolero (Picture: 1 - 2) that I use for reference when I want to mix it up.

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story is a road-tripping epic, but were any of Stewie's, Quagmire's, and your adventures too crude for the final cut?
Yeah, we were filming this scene where me and Stewie accidentally walk in on Quagmire having sex with this Amish girl in the bathroom. And just to freak us out, Quagmire got the girl to let him actually have sex with her when we came in--and, God love her, she thought it would be funny too, so she agreed. I mean, we just lost it when we saw that. Who else but Quagmire, you know? Man. She was really Amish too, so that says a lot about the guy.

Is Stewie gay?
I've never asked. That's something the press seems to care too much about anyway. I mean, every guy at one time or another has experimented with other men, am I right? I'm going to go back to that other question and say don't print this answer either. Just print: I've never asked.

What's it like being able to lick your balls?
Well, it's the main reason I'm trying to get through this interview in less than a half-hour.

Are you familiar with the phenomenon of the "up-skirt", which is a voyeuristic portrait of any unknowing female photographed from, well, up her skirt? This must be a daily pleasure for you.
Well, yeah, sometimes it's great. But you know, sometimes it's a curse. I mean, I was up in Vermont on vacation the other day and let's just say there are a lot of women there who've never heard the word razor. This one girl walked past me in a dress, I glanced up, I swear it looked like Dr. J caught in a fishing net.

Finally, since pornography has nearly become mainstream in its appeal, have you ever seen the infamous Linda Lovelace dog-fucking loop? Do you know that dog? What ever became of him? And are there any secret sex tapes of yours that might show up thanks to the success of Family Guy?
Oh, yeah, that was Hermes. Yeah everyone knew Hermes. We used to party back in the day. He passed away in the '80s from, uh, an illness of some sort. I've been pretty good about not getting in trouble with the sex-tape thing. And I've never told anyone this before, but Tommy Lee came to me a few years back, concerned that he wasn't well-enough endowed, so he asked if I'd be his stunt penis for the Pamela Anderson tape. So all the shots of male genitalia in that were me. It's cut together real well so it looks like him, but it's me all right. So, you know, if any girls reading this want to, you know, get together for coffee or something, you could probably just contact Mr. Skin. They know how to get in touch with me.