Footballs and Funbags

By Phil Buckridge

Super Bowl XLII is almost upon us, and in honor of the players who will leave everything on the gridiron in pursuit of Super Bowl immortality, we'd like to celebrate the ladies who possessed the mammorial fortitude to put the skin in pigskin. We're about to kick off, so let's head down to the field for the play-by-play.

ALL THE RIGHT MOVES (1983)

A lot of coaches are afraid to play rookies, because frankly, you just never know what you're going to get. So it comes as a huge surprise that director Michael Chapman is willing to roll the dice by putting a rookie like Lea Thompson (Picture: 1 - 2) into his starting lineup.

Wow! Thompson shows no fear and goes for it all on the first play by busting out her firm teenage taters for Tom Cruise to ogle. Good lord, that turkey is done! You want to talk about a statement being made for rookie of the year . . . I mean, where did she find the courage to show those cans?!

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY (1999)

With all the prep time that goes into each game, no head coach has the free time to go out and woo some muff into the sack. A seasoned veteran like coach Al Pacino knows this and makes a great adjustment by calling Elizabeth Berkley (Picture: 1 ) for some take-out trim. She wastes no time proving she'll be worth every penny as she shows off her pro-bowl backfield. She also proves she's got no quit in her as she flashes her Bayside pom-poms well after the whistle has blown.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (2004)

High school is an ideal place to learn the basic fundamentals, and prep athlete Garrett Hedlund is looking to hone his game by putting in some extra practice time with fellow rookie Amber Heard (Picture: 1). In a clear case of nerves, he has a little bit of trouble with his shirt, but he's able to recover quickly and keep the drive alive.

Oooh, it looks as if he might be starting to spin out of control, and sure enough, there goes a lamp. That's going to draw a "woke up the creepy dad" flag and force Hedlund to punt it away just as the fans are treated to an über-quick view of Heard's ta-tas.

JERRY MAGUIRE (1996)

A player either has it or not. Well, let me tell you folks, Kelly Preston (Picture: 1) clearly has "it". Just look at her giving 110 percent as she forces her brand of smash-clam football down on Tom Cruise's line of scrimmage. It's effort like this that is contagious to your teammates.

Wait! Preston just raised the bar even higher by offering to be with another girl! It's just so refreshing in this day and age to see a player with such a clear "team first" mentality. You can be sure that a lot of coaches in this league wish they could take that kind of heart and stick it behind a much bigger pair of pigskins.

JOHNNY BE GOOD (1988)

We'd like to welcome all of you to the time-honored tradition of a stud athlete partying down in a motel room with some jersey chasers. In today's lineup we've got highly recruited prospect Anthony Michael Hall and second stringer Robert Downey Jr. teaming up with some ladies who are looking to party (Picture: 1).

What an unbelievable turn of events! Out of nowhere the girls strip and yell "rape" as they prance around the room with their sweater meat a-bouncin'. John Q. Law immediately busts through the door and flags Anthony Michael Hall for being "unabated to the quartersnatch." Hmmm . . . something else definitely smells fishy in this motel room.

THE LONGEST YARD (1974)

Things are starting to get a little chippy here as Burt Reynolds and Anitra Ford (Picture: 1) engage in some extra-curricular activity. You can just see the frustration beginning to set in for Reynolds as they exchange pleasantries. There goes the flag for unnecessary roughness! You've got to figure coach will let him slide on this one, however, since Anitra revealed a quick peek at her diversified blitz package during the scuffle.

NORTH DALLAS FORTY (1979)

Savannah Smith Boucher (Picture: 1) clearly brought her A-game today and she's looking to turn in an All-American performance in front of the home fans here on senior day. Oh no! What began with such promise is quickly derailed by the selfish antics of prima donna wide receiver Nick Nolte. I mean, just listen to him bitch about his sore knee and shoulder as Smith Boucher repeatedly tries to establish her ball-control offense.

Yes folks, it's just another sobering reminder of how far the character of today's game has degenerated since football's glory years . . . It must kill the GM to know that he passed on the much cheaper Gary Busey to get Nolte in the casting draft.

SECOND STRING (2002)

We've got a real David vs. Goliath battle shaping up here today as Teri Polo and her made-for-TV movie are trying to pull off the upset of the century by sneaking some nip past the FCC's staunch defense.

Polo lines up behind center Gil Bellows, handles the snap, and takes off downfield. It looks like the FCC has great containment, but Polo makes a brilliant cut back against the grain and shows off some all-pro side boob with a clearly visible nipple as she slides around Bellows to pull of this unfathomable upset!

VARSITY BLUES (1999)

Every team has its unsung heroes that toil away in the trenches with virtual anonymity. On this team, those unsung heroes are Toni Perensky's (Picture: 1) gargantuan cans. Sure, Ali Larter's (Picture: 1) whip-tease bikini got a bigger reaction from the crowd, but the fact is, Perensky's pillows are the best talent we'll see today. I mean, just look at the tremendous lateral speed and agility of those puppies as they fight through the block from her bra. The diehard fans in sniffer's row are clearly blown away. And what great self-discipline she shows by smacking her own ass! What focus! What a player!

WILDCATS (1986)

It looks as though coach Goldie Hawn (Picture: 1) is about to call her own number as she soaks in the tub after practice. But we've apparently had some blown coverage on the play as James Keach streaks into the bathroom unblocked and busts up the play before it can develop. Someone clearly missed their assignment on that play and the boos are starting to pour down from the stands, as they only got a quick view of Hawn's mosquito bites before she was forced to cover up.

H.O.T.S. (1979)

We've got pseudo-sorority H.O.T.S. and the Pi sorority butting breasts in a game of strip football that ensures that no matter who comes out on top today, everyone will be a winner.

It's been a sloppy game so far and Pi's last touchdown has left H.O.T.S. topless and in need of an emergency huddle. Let's go to our in-turf cam to get the view from below. Would you look at that! A perfect octagon of topless ladies creating a perfect hexadecagon of dangling mammaries (Picture: 1)! They break the huddle and Lisa London throws a perfect pass to Pamela Jean Bryant, who takes it in for the score. There go the Pi tops, and we're all tied up!

It's certainly rack-check time, as one more score wins it for either team. Pi huddles up, but their offense stalls and they're forced to punt it away. Terri receives the punt and laterals to London, who tucks the football between the two she's already got and takes it in for the game-winning touchdown! H.O.T.S. wins!

Uh-oh. It looks like Pi doesn't want to make good on their bet as they scurry off the field without removing their bottoms. Wow! Susan Lynn Kiger just pulled off Lindsay Bloom's wig (Picture: 1), causing the whole stadium to wonder if that's the only place she's bald.

Now bad has just turned to worse. In a terribly timed act of sportsmanship, H.O.T.S doesn't force Pi to remove their bottoms. It looks like the grass will be the only visible turf on the field today.

Challenged and reversed!

At first glance, these appear to be clutch performances worthy of the highest praise. But after careful examination, the officiating crews had no choice but to overturn these plays.

TWO FOR THE MONEY (2005)

Matthew McConaughey looks to be home free as he plows Jaime King's (Picture: 1) porous secondary for an easy touchdown. But this play will be coming back, as we've got some ineligible tats downfield in the form of nipple patches.

EVERYBODY'S ALL AMERICAN (1988)

For players to achieve at the highest level, they need a coach who will light a fire under them. Unfortunately, if the coach lights a fire behind them, the players never get to show fans what they're capable of. Renowned gunslinger Jessica Lange (Picture: 1) illustrates this point perfectly as a backlit fire leaves the referees no choice but to call back a highlight-reel play containing her offense, defense, and special teams. This was a golden opportunity for director Taylor Hackford, and wasting it could cost him his job.