Friday the Squirt-teenth

Count Rack Assesses the Reboot

Welcome back, my friends to Castle Rackula. This week, I’ll be reviewing the new Friday the 13th remake, paying special attention (as always) to the female nudity therein.

Since this is a “reboot” and not a remake, I’ll forgive the inclusion of the adult Jason Voorhees (who, as everyone knows, didn’t appear until Friday the 13th Part 2) and his hockey mask (which came in Friday the 13th Part III, recently released in 3D special edition DVD).

Fans will also recognize that this is only the fourth film in the franchise to be released on an actual Friday the 13th, following Friday the 13th Part III on August 13 1982, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood on May 13 1988, and Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday on August 13, 1993.

The original film only featured one nude actress, Jeannine Taylor, and she showed only tits and ass. To see full frontal, viewers would have to wait for Norwegian knockout Kirsten Baker in part 2.

And to see more than one naked actress, they would have to wait until The Final Chapter, which featured t&a from four actresses, including the twins Camilla and Carey More.

In the 2009 reboot, Willa Ford, Julianna Guill, and America Olivo all show skin.

America’s Mt Olivos are the first chesty peaks to appear in the movie. Within the first ten minutes, she’s oiling them up by a campfire so they glisten and gleam.

One trip to America means you’ll be going through 48 states of hardness (50 if you’ve got a boat).

Willa appears doing some topless water skiing for about four minutes and we get numerous long looks at Ms. Ford’s headlights before Jason buries a machete in the top of her head.

With her natural life preservers bobbing in the lake water, Willa will turn you into a spilla… of seed.

An hour in, Julianna Guill (making her big screen debut after putting in time on the teen soap One Tree Hill), gives us the best nudity of the movie.

Not only do Julianna’s jugs feature prominently in the scene, but a killer’s POV shot from outside the window also gives us a quick look at butt and bush.

Her One Tree Hill co-star Sophia Bush (The Hitcher) could learn a thing or three from Julianna about how to do a horror movie.

So to sum up, there’s as much nudity in the Friday the 13th reboot as there is in the first three movies of the franchise combined and that gives me nothing to complain about.

But since the filmmakers decide to combine elements from all three movies into one, they had a corresponding obligation to include all the nudity, too.

At least some people still respect tradition.

Well, I’d be interested to know from your comments how you, dear readers, assessed the movie. But there’s no time now for that, I’ve booked Barry Gibb for the Castle Rackula Valentine’s Night party this weekend and there’s decorating to do, guest lists to check, and ladies of the evening to procure.

This is the only time of the year where I can “have a heart” and nobody says “boo!”

Until next week, fangs for the mammaries.