Joanna Angel: The Mr. Skin Interview

How do you plan to spend Passover this year?

I usually spend it with my parents. When I was little, we went to my aunt and uncle's house and they always had like eight-thousand people over and made everyone re-enact different roles in "Chad Gad Ya"... but we don't do that anymore. I just go to my mom's house and we have a chill, laid-back but really long Hebrew Seder.

Is it a kosher meal?

Of course.

Do you keep kosher? I'm not sure about the specifics of the law regarding putting other people's body parts in your mouth.

I don't keep kosher, but I do keep kosher when I am around my parents. Humans actually are kosher I think. Are they? What's the rule again? Something about split hooves? We have split hooves don't we? I don't know.

I remember watching that movie Alive-where everyone was stranded in the Andes and everyone started eating each other-when I was like, in third grade or something, and I do remember asking my teacher if it was okay for me to eat humans, if that happened to me one day.

I think I remember her telling me that humans were, in fact, kosher and that would be totally cool. I could be wrong though . . . it was a long time ago.

You sport quite a collection of tattoos, which is a no-no according to the Torah: "You shall not makes gashes in your flesh for the dead or incise any marks on yourself: I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19:28). Are you worried about being denied a Jewish burial?

I have two grandmothers who are dead. I have gone to visit both of their graves. One is buried in Israel and one is buried in Ohio.

I have personally talked to the managers at both of these cemeteries and they both said that they would let any Jew be buried there-with tattoos or not. They don't inspect people when they come in. People pay them money, and they reserve a spot.

To be honest, I don't even really think the cemetery management even cares about if the people are Jewish or not. I'm sure if a non-Jew paid them enough money, they could get their deceased relative in there. The whole tattoo-Jewish-cemetery thing is really just a myth from what I understand; it's a conspiracy that was invented by a bunch of Jewish moms to prevent their kids from getting tattooed.

It is technically against the Jewish law, but there are lots of people who break Jewish laws that still get buried in Jewish cemeteries. Like keeping kosher, or fasting on Yom Kippur, or committing adultery. Are you part of the conspiracy too? Go feed your anti-tattoo propaganda to someone else.

Your love of tattooing landed you on the new season of the TLC series LA Ink. You get a tattoo on camera, right? Was it a Star of David? A menorah, perhaps?

It was a sleeve containing a star of David, a Menorah, a Torah scroll, a Talisman, and a piece of egg and onion with soft cream cheese on top of it.

Just like the great rabbis of yesteryear commented in the margins of the Talmud, do you feel the need to critique Judaism so it can better reflect your lifestyle?

I don't really have time to do that. Maybe in like, ten years, when my tits are all saggy and my butthole can't take any more intercourse and I am so rich that I have like twenty assistants doing all my work for me, I will have more time in my schedule to critique Judaism like the homies in the Talmud.

There are orthodox, conservative, reform, and reconstructionist branches of Judaism, to name a few. Have you developed your own sexy branch of the religion, and, if so, what do you call it?

Yeah, it's called "alt porn." It's a sector of Judaism where girls with tattoos and unnatural-colored hair take their clothes off on the Internet on a website called BurningAngel.com. It's very similar to the orthodox branch.

You've been on the radio with another Jewish statesman, Howard Stern. How did this great meeting of the minds go?

It was all right. He didn't want to talk about the Torah though. He was more interested in talking about the Sybian and, like, anal sex. I thought it was going to be more spiritual than that.

Like many Jews throughout entertainment history, you excel in comedy. How does sex and humor mix, say, in your new hardcore production Not Another Porn Movie?

When I first was asked to make a feature, just the thought of figuring out a "plot" that strings a bunch of different sex scenes together was humorous to me within itself. So it only made sense to me to think of the most absurd "plots" I could think of.

Not Another Porn Movie is just a porn movie about making a porn movie that plays on all the porno clich? like the cheesy music, and the stereotypical roles like the pizza guy and whatnot. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, though . . . once the sex starts, it's pretty sexy. Your jerk-off session won't be interrupted with my stupid jokes . . . well, for the most part, it won't.

Not that all your work is explicit. You appear in The Kentucky Fried Horror Show. What's your involvement in this horror flick, and does it bare any relation to the famous skit-comedy classic The Kentucky Friend Movie (Picture: 1 - 2) from the '70s?

Well, the director asked me to be in the movie. He sent me the script. It is the pornified version of The Kentucky Fried Movie. I thought we were shooting it last year, but it never really happened. I think they are having some issues . . . I don't really know. As far as I know, whenever they do shoot this movie, I will still have a role in it, but I'm not really sure if or when it will happen. I hope it does, because it sure sounded like fun.

Is it true you had a cameo of sorts in the Will Smith hit I Am Legend?

I still haven't seen the movie-I really need to-but in any case, I have been told that at one point Will Smith goes into Tower Records to talk to a mannequin or something and copies of Joanna's Angels 2 are in the background. So, yeah, I guess a photo of me made a cameo in the movie-not the living, breathing, walking version of me. But that counts for something, right?

The music in your all-girl gonzo Girls, Girls, Girls is by a combo that calls themselves the Erotics. They were friends of a friend, and I worked on some cover art for them. It was quite filthy. They all had huge schlongs and were anally raping one another. For some reason the band rejected my hard work. I never understood why. They were all drawn circumcised as per our covenant with G-d. Did you meet the boys? Maybe you can shine some light on their bizarre behavior?

I never met the boys . . . I think their manager was talking to someone in the BurningAngel.com office and sent us some music to listen to.

When I heard it, I was, like, "Holy shit, this would be perfect for Girls, Girls, Girls!" I was looking for a cheesy cock-rock-sounding band, and they were just perfect. They totally perfected the art of recreating glam metal. I give them props for keeping it real. I don't know why they rejected your artwork. I have no idea.

Well, may you have a happy Pesach, though I can't imagine how such a hot knish as yourself can make unleavened bread. You certainly make my dough rise. But enough, I kid. Before you go, what nude and exciting projects are you working on?

I'm doing a bunch of stuff. Just go to BurningAngel.com and JoannaAngel.com and try to keep up with my life-oh, yeah! And I just launched yet another site: BurningAngelEnt.com; you can download a lot of our DVD scenes there. Yeeeeeeah!