Mr. Skin's One-Armed Salute to the Great Teen Sex Comedies

By Rabbi Moishe "Mo" Gaydau

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following essay is yet another in a series of guest writers expounding on their favorite Teen Sex Comedy movies. It is not the work of Mr. Skin himself, which is important to point out... for some reason. This edition's contributor is veteran MrSkin.com scribe and Holy Man to the Naked Stars Rabbi Moishe Gaydau. Feel free to call him "Mo."

Does Chekov look Jewish to you? You know, Ensign Pavel Chekov, the Russian navigator from Star Trek. Maybe he's an Ashkenazi Jew.

His shtick on the show was to claim that every invention, work of art, or discovery was actually of Russian origin, everything from the Garden of Eden being located near Moscow to Scotch being invented by a "little old lady from Leningrad." But I think he meant Jewish when he spoke of Mother Russia because if you look hard enough, there's always a Jewish connection.

Walter Koenig played Chekov, and Walter is a nice Jewish boy--I know, I performed his bris. It just goes to show, we're everywhere.

Take your beloved teen sex comedies. What, you don't think Jews have sex? Hey, schmuck, we invented it! Why do you think God gave Moses those Ten Commandments? That's right, maybe Moses was committing a bit too much adultery on the road to the Promised Land. It gets hot in the desert, what else are you going to do?

You can thank Jews for the goyish genre of teen sex comedies. Don't believe an old rabbi? Think I've eaten too much schmaltz and it's hardened more than my arteries? Perhaps, but let's take a look at one of the first and best of the teen sex comedies, The Last American Virgin (1982).

This comedy has it all: fast cars, faster girls, new wave fashions, and a soundtrack to match. And the teen sex plot is a classic, as simple as it is rewarding: losing one's virginity. That's the Torah scroll on which all teen sex comedies are written.

Oh, but you say, Rabbi, what about Porky's (Picture: 1) or The Beach Girls (Picture: 1 - 2) or Spring Fever (Picture: 1 - 2) or Zapped! (Picture: 1 - 2) or even Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Picture: 1)? These movies all came out the same year as The Last American Virgin and are arguably the money shot heard 'round the world. Feh!

Do any of those films have the matzo balls to show you erect male genitalia is a locker-room penis size contest? Theodore Roosevelt may have famously said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick," but that goy's got nothing on the Hebrew hammer.

Not that I'm a fagula. I enjoy all the lovelies who take off their shmattas in the movie. There's Diane Franklin (Picture: 1 - 2), who plays the not-so-nice nice girl. She's got a nice pair, too, but it's her knish that twirls my yarmulke, when she strips down for an abortion. She looks like she could be one of the Chosen People. I'd certainly choose to worship the Sabbath with her. She lights my Hanukah candles!

Gerri Idol (Picture: 1 - 2) looks like she might have some Jewish blood in her. When I saw her dancing around in only her panties there was another Jewish thing I wanted to put in her! Blonde tart Louisa Moritz (Picture: 1 - 2) could pass as a Yid, even if she's playing a Mexican hooker. But no one would confuse that shiksa Tessa Richarde (Picture: 1) for a member of the Tribe. Still, if I had to eat some tainted meat, it'd be hers.

All this is beyond the point, however. That point being that The Last American Virgin is ripping off an Israeli movie that did the whole teen-sex-comedy thing first and better.

I'm not referring to a large conspiracy. There is no International Jewish Cabal, at least none that I'll admit to in public. The Last American Virgin is just another example of what Chekov might have said, "Captain, that movie is actually based on a famous Israeli film." And the Russian Bear ain't lying.

The Last American Virgin director Boaz Davidson was born in Israel back when it was called Palestine and made his cinematic name in his native land with the release of a sexy comedy called Lemon Popsicle (1978). That's four years before the fad hit the United States. Suck on that!

The plot of The Last American Virgin is identical to Lemon Popsicle, except the latter deals with buddies Benzi, Yudale, and Momo seeking sex in '50s Tel Aviv. Oy vey!

The movie was a huge hit and launched a successful series. There were eight feature films to follow, including Going Steady (1979), Hot Bubblegum (1981), Private Popsicle (1982), Private Manoeuvres (1983), Baby Love (1984), Up Your Anchor (1985), Young Love (1987), and Summertime Blues (1988). There was even a TV series, Lemonade, and for the new millennium a new cast was brought together under the Golan and Globus Cannon Films company to film The Party Goes On (2001).

Have you ever heard of such Jewsy Semitic peaches as Bea Fiedler (Picture: 1) and Sonja Martin (Picture: 1 - 2)? Well, they peeled and were quite appealing in Private Popsicle - Lemon Popsicle IV. Renate Langer and Stefanie Petsch (Picture: 1) joined Bea for a nude revue in Baby Love - Lemon Popsicle V. Sonja returned for a re-peek perv-formance in Young Love - Lemon Popsicle VII, and the series even got a German to expose her goosesteps with Elfi Eschke, who got red hot in Summertime Blues - Lemon Popsicle VIII.

All that kosher meat... it makes me want to plotz!

Davidson says that Lemon Popsicle is based on his real-life experiences. He acknowledges that others may have taken their cue from his movie. "A lot of people told me that Porky's is definitely a movie that was influenced by Lemon Popsicle," he says. "Some people say even American Pie (Picture: 1) is a distant relative. But I think that all those movies basically reflect, you know, growing up problems and coming-of-age, sexual relations and so on."

Such modesty! Davidson has left the director's chair for the producer's couch, which hopefully finds him passing on the pastrami to up-and-coming actresses in Hollywood. He deserves it. He's currently working on Rambo IV (2007) and Red Sonja (2008), with no plans to continue the Popsicle series or remake The Last American Virgin.

But if I can return to Ensign Chekov momentarily, before I beam up to that synagogue in the sky where The Last American Virgin is on a never-ending double feature with Lemon Popsicle, and end by saying that The Last American Virgin is stronger than a shot of Russian vodka and more brutal to the groin than an army of marauding Cossacks. And that's a mitzvah!