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By Kent Nostrand
February is the month of Valentines, presidents, and, at least in the vicinity of the Chicago-based Skin Central, unreasonably freezing weather circumstances. So whether you're curled up under a blanket like us or chilling in air-conditioning in some more reasonable part of the world, the following picks of our favorite new and nude DVD releases will provide plenty of reason to stay put with a remote control in your one free hand.
FEBRUARY 5, 2008
2 Days in Paris (2007)
STUDIO: 20th Century FoxNUDE: Julie Delpy (breasts) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Want a triple helping of Julie Delpy? Of course you do! Julie wrote, directed, and starred in 2 Days in Paris, a romantic comedy about a couple trying to cram the magic back into their marriage. Julie and hubby Adam Goldberg have stopped in Paris on their way back from a rocky getaway in Venice that was supposed to rekindle the romance but ended up driving them further apart. What better way to top off their crappy Venetian stay than with a visit to her parents, eh? That's exactly what they do, and Adam can't quite hang with the fam. It turns out that Julie's parents are eccentrics bent on fighting at every turn (and they aren't very fond of Yanks, either). The culture shock gets even worse when Adam meets his wife's friends, leading him to suspect that he doesn't know the missus as well as he thought he did.
Across the Universe (2007)
STUDIO: Sony Pictures Home EntertainmentNUDE: Evan Rachel Wood (breasts, butt) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Tune in, turn on, and pop off, as Hollywood realizes a billion baby-boomer dreams in the form of Late-'60s Counterculture: The Musical! The swirling, high-energy, hard-rocking phantasmagoria Across the Universe is art-world icon Julie Taymor's trippy big-screen rock opera powered by the music of the Beatles. The film follows Jude (Jim Sturgess) and Lucy (Evan Rachel Wood), a star-crossed pair of longhairs who oppose the war and everything else that isn't groovy. Along with a whole passel of people named for Beatles songs (including JoJo [Martin Luther], Max [Joe Anderson], Sadie [Dana Fuchs], and dear, dykaliciously inclined Prudence [T.V. Carpio]), Evan and Jim try to find their way through a world in total turmoil, what with Vietnam, race riots, free love, and psychedelic experimentation being the order of the day (tripper) back then. Aided by Dr. Robert (Bono) and Mr. Kite (Eddie Izzard), our huge-hearted heroes fight forces far beyond their control to stay together eight days a week. There are a whopping thirty-three musical numbers in Across the Universe, but the show stoppers are Evan's left knocker and wood-bestowing buns. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Damn, girl!
The Brave One (2007)
STUDIO: Warner Home VideoNUDE: Jodie Foster (breasts, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Jodie Foster is a New York radio yakker who loses her fianc?nd starts packing in The Brave One, Neil Jordan's thriller about a big-city crime victim who goes totally vigilanteville. As the flick begins, Jodie's in the thick of love, success, and all-around happiness; then a random attacker takes her man and nearly her life. Unable to get over the deadening of her lover, Jodie begins prowling the streets putting the heat on all the creeps, warring with herself and with the anonymous attacker who's still out there somewhere. The public perks up its ears at the news that there's a Bernadette Goetz on the loose, and soon talk of the vigilante is everywhere. But the NYPD isn't so fond of Jodie, and officer-in-charge Terrence Howard is determined to stop her spree of strong-arm volunteerism. For those just tuning in for gratuitous glimpses of gorgeous Jo-Jo, you're (soft of) in luck-she bares her heinie and a ho-ho in the first twenty minutes of The Brave One, though it's most likely a body double.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)
STUDIO: Universal StudioNUDE: Cate Blanchett (butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Golden girl Cate Blanchett is back as Queen Elizabeth I in Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Shekhar Kapur's long-in-coming sequel to the critical smash Elizabeth (1998). This time around, the alleged Virgin Queen is hopping mad at her Catholic cousin Mary "Queen of Scots" Stuart, portrayed by smokin' Samantha Morton, who's betrayed Cate but good. And if that bit of family feuding weren't bad enough, the Spanish Armada has stopped by Britain to stir up trouble. Enough is enough! Cate has had it with these bloody foreigners on her bloody soil. Brits have her in a snit too-she has a thing for Sir Walter "Clive Owen" Raleigh, but he only has eyes for Abbie Cornish, her delish lady in waiting. As though to punish everyone for putting Queen Liz in the corner, Cate uses a body double for her bun-baring scene. But that's really Geoffrey Rush revising his role as Sir Francis Walsingham, so not everything in Elizabeth: The Golden Age is falsingham. (Fear not, Rush bears no tush.)
Feast of Love (2007)
STUDIO: MGMNUDES: Selma Blair (breasts, lesbian) (Picture: 1), Alexa Davalos (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Radha Mitchell (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1 - 2), Stana Katic (left breast, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Based on the novel by writers' writer Charles Baxter, Feast of Love should expose this talented scribe to a larger audience. Certainly if his other books are as sexually graphic as this one Mr. Skin will have to crack one open. The movie centers on Morgan Freeman and the people he meets during his nocturnal walks to fight insomnia. No one is going to fall asleep as Freeman learns about the candid and carnal workings of the people in his neighborhood, sort of like an R-rated Mr. Rogers. Some of those people are women, naturally, and they, naturally, get naked . . . a lot. Selma Blair, Alexa Davalos, and Radha Mitchell are all no strangers to skin, and they keep the relationship intimate in this nude-worthy addition to their r?m? Dig into this Feast of Love; it's a horny of plenty.
Niagara Motel (2005)
STUDIO: AlluminationNUDE: Anna Friel (breasts) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: In the titular low-rent facility Niagara Motel, a struggling bunch of strangers pass each other like ships in the night and then disappear from each other's lives like barrels over a waterfall. TV talker Craig Ferguson stars as the drunken hotel manager who oversees the whole shoddy shebang (which overlooks the Canadian side of tourist haven Niagara Falls). His current crew of crazies includes Caroline Dhavernas, a wowza young waitress busy fending off pitches from porn producer Kevin Pollack; Anna Friel and Kristen Holden-Reid, a coupla druggies who are struggling to stay a couple and keep custody of their kiddo; and middle-class marrieds Peter Keleghan and Wendy Crewson, whose union is undoin'. Add to that a short-tempered owner, an in-house whore, a born-again social worker, and a staple salesman and its dark indie comedy galore.
Peach Girl Diaries (2008)
STUDIO: PeachDVD.comNUDES: Erika Jordan (FFN, butt), Lisa Daniels (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Breanne (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Angie Savage (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Tylene Buck (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Sandee Westgate (FFN, butt)
THE SKINNY: Dear Diary: Today Sandee Westgate, Tylene Buck, Lisa Daniels, Angie Savage, Breanne, and Erika Jordan bared all and shared all and let us see absolutely everything! It was in a movie called Peach Girl Diaries, and, Diary, it was a total peach. The tip-top cream of the crop from the Peach orchard got together to divulge that reality is just as sexy as fiction, revealing the most intimate details of their delicious lives. Tasty!
Storm Warning (2007)
STUDIO: Weinstein Co.NUDE: Nadia Far?/a> (butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Top-notch hottie Nadia Far?/b> and hubby Robert Taylor are a pair of yuppies out for a romantic fishing trip when everything goes wrong in Storm Warning, a tense tale of terror from the director of Urban Legend (1998). When a rainstorm kicks up, the duo debarks and waits for the storm to pass-but there're bad things lurking in the outback, and when they try to hole up in a hinky farmhouse, a whole lot of horror goes down. It turns out that a family of blood-hungry buggers is hunkered down in the house as well, and now Nadia and Rob are up against bestiality-loving brothers David Lyons and Matthew Wilkinson and their psycho pops, John Brumpton, in a battle to the death.
FEBRUARY 12, 2008
Ave Mar?/em> (1999)
STUDIO: BCI EclipseNUDE: Tere L?-Tar?/a> (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: Tere L?-Tar?/b> is Maria Ines, a novice in the mission business and the daughter of a Spanish bigshot in Ave Mar?/em>, Eduardo Rossoff's directorial debut. Tere is a brilliant student of all manner of smartypants stuff, but this bright light doesn't seem quite right to Father Alfredo Sevilla and his seventeenth-century ways. A brainiac broad? No way, Jos? Don't you know these are the olden days? Tere's papa goes and offs himself, leaving her grieving greatly (and grunting most heavily, because without old dad around she's been demoted from intellectual work to physical labor). It's not long before Tere's brain goes on a holiday and she starts hearing voices. Ditching her inheritance, Tere heads off into the world to minister to the poor and heal all the weaklings with her otherworldly connection to God. This doesn't sit well with Father Damian Alcazar, the devious old dastard who's killed off his rival and taken control of the mission. Now he's made it his mission to stop Tere.
The Draughtsman's Contract (1982)
STUDIO: Peter GreenawayNUDE: Janet Suzman (left breast) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: British arthouse champion Peter Greenaway's The Draughtsman's Contract stars Anthony Higgins as Mr. Neville, a talented chap who's been hired by Janet Suzman to whip up twelve elaborate drawings of her estate. The pics are meant for the absentee hubby, but Janet's thoughts aren't all focused on the missing mister-the contract she's worked up for Anthony involves sexual favors as well. What seems like a sweet deal turns slightly spooky when Anthony starts discovering stray objects in his art subjects that weren't previously there. A pair of boots appears in a field, a ladder mysteriously pops up, and the doubtful young draughtsman starts to wonder if the woman of the house is hiding secrets about her hub.
Furnace (2006)
STUDIO: Genius ProductsNUDE: Jenny McShane (right breast) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Detective Michael Par?b> is looking into a string of spooky doings surrounding a maximum-security prison in Furnace, another fine horror flick from the director of Madhouse (2004). An old section of the pokey has just reopened, and it seems that the rash of slammer suicides is tied to this one wacky wing. But it turns out that they're not simple suicides at all-they're the handiwork of a girl ghost who's out to get revenge for getting burned in a furnace! The pint-sized poltergeist uses fire and heat to freak out her victims . . . but can Mike put the heat on her before it's too late? Furnace also features Tom Sizemore, Ja Rule, and a brief bit of right boob from Jenny McShane.
La Grande bouffe (1973)
STUDIO: Umbrella RecordsNUDES: Andr?Ferr? (breasts, butt, bush) (Picture: 1), Monique Chaumette (breasts, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: The outrageous French black comedy La Grande bouffe features stars of European '60s cinema Marcello Mastroianni, Michel Piccoli, Phillipe Noiret, and Ugo Tognazzi as a pilot, a TV executive, a judge, and a famous chef (respectively) who, bored with the pleasure and pain of life, arrange to go into the countryside to kill themselves by overindulgence in wine, women, food, and filth. Also along for this lethally over-indulgent ride are a couple of local hookers (Monique Chaumette and Andr?Ferr?) who put their rump roasts, furburgers, and rack of mam on the menu. Bone apetit!
The Independent (2000)
STUDIO: AlluminationNUDES: Danielle Ciardi (breasts) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: The mock-documentary The Independent lays out the twisted attempt at a comeback by seasoned B-movie mogul Morty Fineman (Jerry Stiller), whose beloved drive-in credits include Groovy Hippie Slumber Party, LSD-Day, Cheerleader Camp Massacre, and Large Angry Antennae. Looking for a new kind of smash, Morty options the life story of a convicted serial murderer-on the condition it be made into a musical. Wacky yet oddly plausible throughout, The Independent boasts appearances by comedy powerhouses Janeane Garofolo, Andy Dick, Anne Meara, and, naturally, Ben Stiller, along with vintage adult-cinema sexbomb Ginger Lynn Allen. But it's topless glamour gals Danielle Ciardi and Devon DeMaria (Picture: 1) who ultimately turn The Independent into the skin-dependent.
Introducing the Dwights (2007)
STUDIO: Warner Home VideoNUDES: Emma Booth (breasts, butt) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Introducing the Dwights is the story of Brenda Blethyn, who looks back with regret on her lost fame. She gave up a promising variety career to marry a singer and now only has her adult sons at home to show for it after her songbird flew the coop. One of her sons falls for Emma Booth, who thinks her chest is too small. You can be the judge of that in this, the waif model's nude debut. There's also some scantily clad attraction by Christine Davies playing a magician's assistant. While it's not recommended you try pulling a rabbit from a hat, you may want to pull something else from out of your fly.
Some Girls (1988)
STUDIO: MGMNUDE: Sheila Kelly (breasts, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Some Girls finds American college boy Patrick Dempsey in the frozen wasteland of Quebec for Christmas. Jennifer Connelly plays his girlfriend, and as if that's not temptation enough, she has two sexy sisters, Sheila Kelley and Ashley Greenfield. They are women, hear them purr as they tease and play with the frustrated Dempsey. Horny and unable to sleep, he wanders the family's baroque mansion where he encounters the fair maidens, usually semi-clad, but in the case of saucy Sheila completely naked. Dempsey is so sexually aroused that he rushes outside and stuffs snow in his pants to gain some measure of control. There's no reason for viewers to go to such extremes. Better to just hold onto something hot and enjoy the ride.
Tell Me You Love Me: The Complete First Season (2007)
STUDIO: HBO Home VideoNUDES: Michelle Borth (breasts, bush, butt) (Picture: 1 - 2), Sonya Walger (breasts, bush, butt) (Picture: 1 - 2), Ally Walker (breasts, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: You'll get an HBO-gasm from the cable network's landmark-and gland-mark-romantic drama, Tell Me You Love Me. On each installment of this very much adults-only program, three couples have one thing in common besides their shared therapist-problems in the boudoir. Some are big, some are small, and some are just too damn quick. These erotic predicaments might spell frustration for Tell Me's carnally confounded characters, but it's nothing short of bare-bodied bliss for the audience, as we get to ogle sumptuously stacked Sonya Walger, buff-bodied Michelle Borth, and wondrously alluring Ally Walker in various stages of undress, followed by eye-poppingly explicit intercourse. Even their shared shrink, played by G.I.L.F. Jane Alexander, gets in on the action, pumping away in a senior-citizen sex scene that will harden more than your arteries. Easily the most graphic primetime series aired in the U.S. to date, here's hoping that the put-upon pairs of Tell Me You Love Me keep fumbling between the sheets and on camera. That way, we can keep fumbling too-with our zippers!
Touch (1997)
STUDIO: MGMNUDE: Bridget Fonda (butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: In Touch, Skeet Ulrich is a bona fide healer who quickly gets glommed onto by former evangelist-and current dealer in recreational vehicles-Christopher Walken. He's got a pretty good trick for keeping Skeet around, too, since his associate Bridget Fonda has a special way of laying on hands. Things get complicated, though, after Bridget falls in love with the innocent miracle worker. There's also a slight problem with nutty Reverend Tom Arnold and talk-show hostess Gina Gershon.
We Own the Night (2007)
STUDIO: SonyNUDE: Eva Mendes (right breast) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: New York City is really a nice place to live. Now. In fact, the metropolis once dreaded as "the Rotten Apple" has become amazingly safe and increasingly comfortable. That is, of course, if you've got the money, honey. That Gotham-history preface is necessary because We Own the Night is another gritty crime drama about that most naked of cities, starring Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg as brothers on opposite sides of the law. It is a period piece, the era being the late '80s-when police cars were marked with the movie's titular phrase, as a warning to the hordes of wild scum overrunnnig the streets-but the real piece here in Eva Mendes. The Latina lustbomb who made 2 Fast 2 Furious (Picture: 1) a car-chase movie you could really rev your engine to elevates Night's already thrilling drama to a full boil thanks to her electrifying erotic presence. Black hair, tan skin, dark eyes, voluptuous curves and one perfect right casaba-that's what Eva Mendes is made of. Her half-a-rack reveal in Night marks brickhouse-built brunette Eva's second skinematic unveiling, the first being her full-frontal flash in the Denzel Washington dirty-cop blow-out Training Day (2001) (Picture: 1). But if you've got the money, buy this movie and see Eva's brown-tipped honey. It's sweet.
A Zed & Two Noughts (1985)
STUDIO: ZeitgeistNUDES: Frances Barber (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Guusje van Tilborgh (breasts, bush) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: British director Peter Greenaway is known for creating complex, dense films that may be difficult to comprehend but always deliver satisfying conflict, controversy and carnality. Greenaway's reputation for exquisite transgression was well-established by the release of A Zed & Two Noughts, the story of twin brothers whose wives are killed in a single car crash. The twins are both employed by the local zoo, which gives them access to dead animals. In the form of self-prescribed grief therapy, the brothers use time-lapse photography to fixate upon the process of decay after death. They also embrace the continuity of life, both of them sexing up the local zoo prostitute and contributing to the pregnancy of the one-legged woman who had been driving the car their wives died in. Once the one-legged woman loses her second leg, and also gives birth to twins, the expectations raised by Greenaway's name being above a movie title are fully met.
FEBRUARY 19, 2008
American Gangster: 2-Disc Unrated Version (2007)
STUDIO: Universal StudiosNUDES: KaDee Strickland (breasts) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Director Ridley Scott's fact-based crime drama American Gangster tells the story of Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington), who maneuvers his way into becoming the top heroin importer in New York during the '70s, and Detective Richie Roberts (Russell Crowe), an honest cop out to bring Lucas down. A savvy businessman, Frank wisely discourages his girls from wearing too much clothing while packing his product, resulting in an addictive array of bazooms, bunnage, and bush in the drug room. The French Connection (Picture: 1) this ain't, but you can call us Gene Whack-man anyway. Gritty and epic at the same time, American Gangster spans years, traverses the globe, provides fascinating insight into the processes of criminal enterprises (and police obsession), and shines a glaring light on the Big Apple during its most rotten, wormy, hardcore period. Plus, KaDee Strickland busts out her big guns in bed with Crowe. American Gangster will make you a spankster.
Chaos (2006)
STUDIO: Lions GateNUDE: Natassia Malthe (breasts) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Wesley Snipes has the luck, and it's all bad. First he gets in trouble with the IRS, and then in Chaos the bank he's robbing is surrounded by the police, creating a hostage situation. But Snipes is no sucker and escapes in the ensuing chaos, hence the name, but is pursued by cops Jason Statham and Ryan Phillippe, who begin to suspect the robbery was merely a smokescreen for a bigger heist. What that heist is remains a mystery to the hairy palms at Skin Central. Our attention was on Norwegian model Natassia Malthe, who briefly flashes her natural wonders. You'll need to make a withdrawal from the sperm bank after seeing that. Chaos is hot all over the place.
The Good Humor Man (2005)
STUDIO: Monarch VideoNUDES: Cameron Richardson (breasts) (Picture: 1), Claire Titelman (breasts) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: It's the 1970s in the most middling of middle Americas, and teener Nathan Stevens is about to face a whole lot of conflict in The Good Humor Man. Nate is sixteen and runs with a crowd of baddies, but he also plays on the hockey team and isn't too delinquent to see how delicious jockette Cameron Richardson tends to be. Though she hangs with his hated jocks, she also knocks his socks off and wants to try knocking boots. And who wouldn't after seeing Cam bare her spectacular snoots? But this isn't just a story of Boy Meets Blonde and Wants to Get It On-it's a story of Nate wrestling with his conscience too. You see, his fellow ruffian Jorge Garcia gets in a scrape with an enemy jock that ends with the jock six feet under. Will Nate turn in his bud? If he doesn't, can he continue to see his lady love?
In the Valley of Elah (2007)
STUDIO: Warner Home VideoNUDES: Frances Fisher (breasts) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Inspired by a 2004 Playboy article by journalist Mark Boal, In the Valley of Elah is the fictionalized story of a model U.S. soldier who comes home from Iraq and then goes AWOL. Jonathan Tucker's company has returned from duty, but he's nowhere to be seen; his dad, Tommy Lee Jones-a Vietnam vet, passionate patriot, and staunch believer in his son's mission overseas-mounts an investigation into Jon's disturbing disappearance. Jurisdictional issues get in his way, though, as the Fort Rudd military police and civilian coppers fight for control of the case. The one person who seems to truly care is detective Charlize Theron, a small fry in the department who grows increasingly suspicious of the Army's official line on the case. As their investigation goes on, Charlize, Tommy, and Tommy's wife, Susan Sarandon, uncover exactly what they don't want to find. Critics praised Tommy's turn in In the Valley of Elah, calling it "great, selfless, and heartbreaking" (David Denby) and "superb" (Roger Ebert).
Lust, Caution (2007)
STUDIO: Focus FeaturesNUDE: Wei Tang (breasts, butt, bush)
THE SKINNY: Director Ang Lee has a restless creative spirit. From the superhero action of Hulk (2003) he went to the tragic gay romance of Brokeback Mountain (2005) (Picture: 1), and now he's treating us with a sexy espionage thriller called, appropriately enough, Lust, Caution (2007). In this WWII-era- Shanghai-set romance, Wei Tang gets herself involved in the most dangerous (and sexy) game. The NC-17 feature is the first look at the Chinese-born beauty, who goes all out for her nude debut. Yes, that caution sign up ahead reads lust, so watch out for Wei when she offers up her dangerous curves and never puts on the brakes, even after flashing her fur. What will Wei bust out next? Mr. Skin can't say, but all that Tang (served hot) has stoked appetites the world over.
Margot at the Wedding (2007)
STUDIO: Paramount Home VideoNUDE: Jennifer Jason Leigh (breasts) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Margot at the Wedding, writer-director Noah Baumbach's follow-up to the crit hit The Squid and the Whale (2005), stars comely Nicole Kidman as a bright, tart-tongued, trouble-stirring short-story scribbler who's out to surprise her sis with some serious chaos. Jennifer Jason Leigh is the sibling in question, and all she wants is to marry slacker Jack Black in peace. Naturally Nic shows up for the wedding to foment some torment. She doesn't cotton to Jack . . . and she isn't quiet about it. As the big hitching day approaches, things get increasingly complicated, and things go wrong not only with Nic (who has her own marital mess to deal with) but also with vindictive neighbors and a much-loved backyard tree. One thing does go right, though: Jen bares both jigglin' Jasons, Leigh-ving Mr. Skin grinning.
Natural Wonders (2008)
STUDIO: PeachDVD.comNUDES: Jelena Jensen (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Felicia Fox (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Jamie Lynn (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Jaime Hammer (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Anita Dark (FFN, butt), Shay Laren (FFN, butt), Monique Dane (FFN, butt), Ginger Jolie (FFN, butt), Monica Mendez (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Behold! A bevvy of Peach's bewitching beauts have told their over-the-shoulder boulder holders to be gone. Now it's sightseeing time as we take a tour of some of the world's Natural Wonders. Marvel at the majesty of Monica Mendez's splendid mams! Gape at Jelena Jensen's jamambo jumblers! Feast your eyes on Felicia Fox's fantabulous front, back, and sides! Every single sultry stunner is a sight to see, and each one of these natural wonders gets nicely nude.
FEBRUARY 26, 2008
The Blood Stained Shadow (1978)
STUDIO: Blue-Underground.comNUDE: Stefania Casini (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: The term giallo refers to an Italian cinematic hybrid of intense, usually heavily gore-soaked horror and classic murder mystery elements, most often chronicling killings carried out by a masked assailant, and almost always drenched in sex. The Blood Stained Shadow presents a fine example of the giallo genre. The movie opens with the body of a schoolgirl found in a field in Sicily, and we learn that no one was ever apprehended for the crime. Years later, Lino Stefano (Lino Capolicchio) returns to the island to visit his brother, who is a parish priest. Along the way, Stefano meets Sandra (Stefania Casini) and looks forward to an erotically reinvigorating vacation. Alas, on the night he arrives, a woman is strangled outside his brother's church. From there, the body count, and suspense, builds, turning The Blood Stained Shadow into a nerve-rattling shriek show, sweetened powerfully by some fluffy full-frontal courtesy of Stefania.
Broc?ande (2002)
STUDIO: BCI EclipseNUDE: Elsa Kiko? (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Elsa Kiko? is something else-a-she's an archaeology student at a university specializing in Celtic history, she's a breast-baring beauty, and she's about to get herself deep in supernatural doody. That's the set-up for Broc?ande, written and directed by Doug Headline (whose squaresville parents originally named him Tristan Jean Manchette). Since Elsa arrived at school, a series of spooky slayings has been snatching the unsuspecting out of the mortal coil. Exquisite Elsa is undaunted and goes on with her archaeological doings, which, unfortunately, involve archaeologically digging up ancient tombstones. When she unearths ancient Celtic stones in the mysterious Broc?ande forest, she comes face-to-face with the paranormal pest that's been terrorizing everybody right out of their bodies.
The Case of the Bloody Iris (1972)
STUDIO: Blue-Underground.comNUDES: Carla Brait (breasts) (Picture: 1), Edwige Fenech (breasts) (Picture: 1), Paola Quattrini (left breast) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Whereas many examples of the Italian horror-mystery giallo genre traffic in relentlessly graphic violence, director Giuliano Carnimeo's The Case of the Bloody Iris prefers to supply its kicks via an intoxicating parade of naked Euro-babes. And you won't hear Mr. Skin screaming in protest! Fright fans, though, will have plenty to shriek about, as Bloody Iris spins the tale of an unfortunate apartment complex where female tenants have a tendency to get murdered. The place is also crawling with potential killers, including the architect who owns the joint, a sexy lesbian, and a bizarre old lady who gets off on monster-movie magazines. The beauties in distress are electrically embodied by Edwige Fenech as a fashion model, Paola Quattrini as her model roommate, and Carla Brait, playing a stripper whose signature nightclub act involves wrestling men. Iris will get your blood pumping!
Day Zero (2007)
STUDIO: First Look StudiosNUDE: Charlene Biton (breasts) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: It's the not-so-distant future and three friends' futures are in doubt in Day Zero, the tale of a terror-fearing America and its reinstatement of the draft. Chris Klein, Elijah Wood, and Jon Bernthal are the trio in question-Chris is a successful lawyer, Jon's a cabbie, and Elijah's a scribe, but all three are about to become soldiers. Chris doesn't want to leave, as wife Ginnifer Goodwin is in cancer treatment; unfortunately, he can't seem to find a loophole to jump through. Elijah doesn't feel the least bit ready to put on a uniform and fight, so he goes to smokin' noggin doctor Ally Sheedy to get himself into shipping-out shape. Jay is ready to enter the fray until he meets college cutie Elizabeth Moss, who leads him to question his beliefs about war. The first feature from Bryan Gunnar Cole, Day Zero premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival.
Goya's Ghosts (2006)
STUDIO: SonyNUDES: Natalie Portman (butt) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: It's Spain at the turn of the eighteenth century and the Inquisition is on in Goya's Ghosts, another pretty period piece from Amadeus (1984) (Picture: 1) director Milos Forman. Brother Lorenzo (Javier Bardem) thinks it's time for the hunt for heretics to heat up, so his thugs pick up Natalie Portman on suspicion of being Jewish. She turned down a mouthful of pork at a local pub, so naturally, they figure, she needs to be tortured post-haste. It's the other white meat, dammit! Eat up! Nat is a model and muse for the great painter Francisco Goya (Stellan Skarsg?), whose work has landed him on the bad side of the monk set. Luckily for Mr. Goya, Javier is a fan, so he avoids the physical misery that a less famous iconoclast might find in 1792 Spain. Stellan gets to work trying to nab Nat back. Meanwhile the French Revolution is a-ragin' next door, and Randy Quaid is the king of Spain. Seriously.
The Last Emperor (1987)
STUDIO: CriterionCo.comNUDE: Jade Go (right breast)
THE SKINNY: Visionary filmmaker Bernardo Bertolucci's The Last Emperor tells the epic saga of Pu Yi, China's final imperial monarch. First ascending to the throne at age three, Pu Yi (played as an adult by John Lone) never wields any real power, is overthrown by Mao's communist revolution, and is sent to a reeducation camp, where he is transformed from revered figurehead of the largest nation on earth into a humble Peking gardener. The movie recreates this amazing true story with sumptuous detail and was awarded the Academy Award for Best Picture. Watch for a sexy turn by Joan Chen as the last, hottest empress and a nice shot of adorable Jade Go offering her Golden Globe to the lucky little emperor.
Legend of the Black Scorpion (2006)
STUDIO: Dragon DynastyNUDE: Ziyi Zhang (butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Combining elements of Hamlet and MacBeth, Legend of the Black Scorpion is a visually opulent drama of intrigue, scheming, and Ziyi Zhang's naked butt. Scorpion takes place in the Period of Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms (A.D. 907-60). Emperor Li (Ge You) has ascended to the throne after killing his brother, and now he wants a piece of his widowed sister-in-law, played by Ziyi. From there, this Legend escalates into a classic tragedy, but the true reason to weep would be if you passed up a chance to glance at Ziyi's heinie.
Secret Desires (2007)
STUDIO: SeductionCinema.comNUDES: Darian Caine (breasts) (Picture: 1), Jackie Stevens (breasts) (Picture: 1), Molly Heartbreaker (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: It's no secret that we love Darian Caine, and her portrayal in Secret Desires of a sexually frustrated housewife who finds a magic projector that reveals her hidden lesbian fantasies gives us a lot more to love (and a whole lot more to rub). Directed by the same John Bacchus who gave us Kinky Kong (2006) (Picture: 1), Secret Desires teams Darian up with fellow female-fondlers Jackie Stevens and Molly Heartbreaker. You'll be in danger of breaking a part when Ms. Heartbeaker starts grazing Caine. Good golly Miss Molly!
Short Night of Glass Dolls (1971)
STUDIO: Blue-Underground.comNUDES: Ingrid Thulin (right breast) (Picture: 1), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Most examples of the horror-mystery genre known as giallo take place in Italy. Short Night of Glass Dolls, however, is set in Prague, which adds to its strange, foreboding atmosphere-and also supplies plenty of Eastern European hotties to eyeball. Reporter Gregory Moore (Jean Sorel) lies in a hospital bed, where he is believed to be dead, but he can see and hear everything going on around him. Now if he could just remember how he got there. While pondering his fate, Gregory realizes that his girlfriend, played by bodacious Barbara Bach, has gone missing. The movie, then, is two whodunits in one, with ample naked female eye candy to add skin-trigue to the intrigue. This Short Night will leave you long in the pants.
Silk (2007)
STUDIO: New Line Home CinemaNUDE: Keira Knightley (breasts), Sei Ashina (breasts, butt, bush)
THE SKINNY: Based on Alessandro Baricco's best-selling novel, Silk stars Michael Pitt as a lucky duck who gets to pluck the sweet fruit of lithe lovely Keira Knightley, his booty-ful (and boob-baring!) bride. Mike has to take regular hikes to Japan in search of silkworm eggs, which happen to be his squirmy stock-in-trade. There's an epidemic snuffing out all the wiggly silk spinners elsewhere, you see, so Mike has no choice but to leave Keira and her comely keister behind. In Japan, he falls in love with the concubine of a bigshot baron, communicating with her through letters to bridge the distance as well as the language gap. War finally tears Mike from lady love Sei Ashina (who lets us see all three B's), but their love for one another endures. Naturally this means that sooner or later Keira will start to suspect. The venerable Alfred Molina also stars. Silk will leave you milking . . . yourself.
To Kill a King (2003)
STUDIO: Anchor BayNUDE: Olivia Williams (butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Based on the true lives of General Thomas Fairfax and Oliver Cromwell, To Kill a King is a seventeenth-century-England sort of thing about the aftermath of the English Civil War. Dougray "Thomas Fairfax" Scott and Tim "Oliver Cromwell" Roth are riding high on a big victory over the army of King Charles I. Now that they're in charge and Tim is headed toward making himself Lord Protector of England, things are going to go great, right? Wrong! It seems the two friends can't agree over what to do with that annoying King Charles (Rupert Everett). While the king is appealing to Dougray's lovely wife, Olivia Williams, Tim is putting his Lord Protector foot down. Speaker of the House James Bolan leads a group who wants to make a deal with the king, but their conspiracy is quashed. What will happen to hopeless old Rupert, and will it drive Dougray and Tim apart for good?
The Voyeur (1994)
STUDIO: CultEpics.comNUDES: Raffaella Offidani (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Katarina Vasilissa (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1), Cristina Garavaglia (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Italian softcore genius Tinto Brass works his magic in the delightfully bawdy sex drama The Voyeur. The aptly named Dod?b>Francesco Casale) is a cuckolded professor at a Rome university. When his wife (Katarina Vasilissa) leaves him, not even the amorous affections of a hot young co-ed will appease poor Dod?ven his father's horny live-in nurse isn't hot enough to put the poor sap in the here-and-now state of mind. Brass named his skin flick The Voyeur for a reason-his camera is never shy about panning up and down the naked, curvaceous bodies of actresses Vasilissa, Cristina Garavaglia, and Raffaella Offidani.
Who Saw Her Die? (1972)
STUDIO: Blue-Underground.comNUDES: Rosemarie Lindt (breasts, butt) (Picture: 1), Dominique Boschero (FFN, butt) (Picture: 1 - 2)
THE SKINNY: One-time James Bond George Lazenby stars in director Aldo Lado's Venice-set Who Saw Her Die? as a sculptor whose young daughter, upon coming to visit him, turns up dead and floating through a nearby canal. When police connect her murder to another girl's killing in France, Lazenby sets out to track down the fiend and an intense example of Italy's horror-mystery hybrid genre giallo ensues. Rosemarie Lindt is resplendent in her topless role, while dazzling Dominique Boschero goes even further by exposing her hot Italian buns and bush-ero. When it comes to scorching Continental babes going bare, Who Saw Her Die? is a live one.
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