By James Hollis Smith
Does this Bataan death march of a winter have you feeling down? Does it seem like you're knee deep in a Chekov-penned twelve-act nightmare of bitter cold and sock-soaking slush? Well, don't be an April fool! Spring into action with the hottest skintillating DVDs known to man. Well, at least known to Mr. Skin. There're blowjobs and bunnies, Madonna and Metzger, woodsmen and winos, and, yes, Mr. & Mrs. Travolta. April is about to shower us with nudity, so without further ado, let's get soaked!
Out on April 5
Spanglish (2004, Columbia/TriStar)
A PG-13-rated, Adam Sandler film made by the director of the Mary Tyler Moore Show? Okay, nudity galore it isn't! But it does mark the first time that T?Leoni (Picture: ) showed one of her breasts on screen. After the bra-and-panty parade of Flirting With Disaster and the mini-skirt muff-tease of Bad Boys, we finally get some real T&A in the form of T?s slippery nipple! Sexy Spaniard Paz Vega (Picture: 1 - 2) plays a Mexican single mom who comes to L.A. to be Adam and T?s maid. Positively pulse-pounding Paz--the Spanish fly-girl made famous in the flesh-fest Sex and Lucia--is dealing with language issues, but once she starts speaking fluent body language, Sandler has no problem understanding her. Don't worry, this ain't Little Nicky Sandler, it's Punch-Drunk Love Sandler, and that ensures you won't need anger management after watching this one. Odelay!
Sideways (2004, Fox Searchlight)
Portly everyman Miles (Paul Giamatti) decides to take his moronic friend Jack (Thomas Haden Church) on a trip through wine country to celebrate Jack's upcoming wedding. While Miles gushes with grape-induced orgasms, Jack uses what remains of his acting chops to cajole every woman he meets into going to bed with him. Enter Sandra Oh, as in "Oh! Oh! Oh!" while she's getting "Jack-hammered" upside down on the motel bed. Candyman's Virginia Madsen plays a brainy waitress who's everything Miles has been looking for: beautiful, smart, busty, and a wino! Comedy--and nudity--relief is provided in the ample shape of Missy Doty, who plays the chubby waitress that Jack goes home with for a roll in her haystacks. When Missy's angry, giant-sized man comes home unexpectedly, Jack hightails it out of there so fast he forgets his wallet. After poor Miles gets talked into retrieving the wallet, we're treated to a full-frontal freak-show as the nude behemoth chases their car down the street. Comfortably walking the line between negative and uplifting, this brilliant, fang-baring laugh-fest will give you every reason to look sideways at all the other crap Hollywood calls comedy.
Mischief (1985, Anchor Bay)
Scientology's gift to mankind, Kelly Preston (Picture: 1 - 2), changed the face--and body--of nudity in this 1950s slice-of-life teen sex comedy. First Kelly's fully dressed, then clad in bra and panties, then topless, then bottomless; the scene is well-lit, the setting realistic, and the perfect actress with the perfect body is cast as the subject. Kelly's bedroom surrender of her virginity is a veritable how-to book on constructing the perfect nude scene. For those of you who only know Kelly as the obvious dividend in John Travolta's deal with the devil, you're in for an unparalleled treat. For those of you who are still watching the grainy, EP-speed video of Mischief that you taped off late-night cable seven years ago, it's time for an upgrade!
Reform School Girl (1994, Buena Vista)
Pretty little Donna (Aimee Graham) (Picture: 1) winds up taking the fall for her guy, Vince (Matt LeBlanc), after he steals a car and runs someone over. Now Donna's stuck in reform school and Vince threatens to hurt Donna's little sister Kathy if she turns him in. Nice boyfriend, huh? Don't let that Joey charm on Friends fool you; he actually plays a guy with a brain in this one, and it's turned up to levels of deviousness that would do Dr. Evil proud. If the plot sounds familiar to any of you older pervs who cut your teeth looking up poodle skirts at the five and dime, that's because this flick is a remake of a 1957 film of the same name. Aimee is the little sister of Mr. Skin legend Heather Graham, and the Graham genetics are beyond reproach as Aimee has the perfect-sized loblollies to reform any girl! Aimee does her big sis proud by showing off her golden Grahams during a lesbian sex scene with a frisky cellmate. Hell, I'd pay up to three cartons of cigarettes for a ringside seat to the ensuing cavity search!
Out on April 12
Dangerous Game (1993, MGM)
Brutal helmsman Abel Ferrara directs Harvey Keitel in yet another unflattering role, this time as movie director Eddie Israel, who is filming The Mother of Mirrors with actors James Russo and Madonna. The movie-within-a-movie is your basic decaying-relationship stuff, which gives Madonna lots of chances to emote and gives madman Russo ample opportunity to go into his usual bag of histrionic tricks. You can thank your lucky star that the material girl isn't wearing much material during a darkly lit bedroom scene. We not only get a gander at her breathless mahoneys but, for one brief moment, her thatched borderline. Kristina Fulton also brings considerable sex appeal to the table in the sadly underwritten role of Blonde. You might remember her best in The Doors, playing the music world's ultimate blonde hellcat, Nico. I'll be her mirror anytime!
The Woodsman (2004, Columbia/TriStar)
"Hmmm. We need some star power to really get asses in the seats for our poignant portrait of a child molester. Ooh, I know, let's get the guy from Footloose!" Okay, that's not fair. This is actually a good movie and it does feature Kevin Bacon's best work. I'm just saying would it have killed him to break into an impromptu dance number now and again? Kevin plays a child molester just released from prison after a twelve-year term. He's trying to finally put his troubles behind him and fit in as an upstanding member of society, but moving into an apartment across the street from an elementary school didn't strike me as the smartest first step. There are actually some "legal" beauties in the film, such as Jeepers Creepers's eye-candy Gina Philips. But the only true scintillating moment in the film is provided courtesy of Kevin's real-life better half, Kyra Sedgwick (Picture: 1 - 2). The two bang their Bacon-bits together during a wood-inducing woody-ride. There's some real heat between the couple, and Kyra's deceptively large bust is on display. Kyra doesn't sell the Bacon, she sells the sizzle!
Out on April 19
A Love Song for Bobby Long (2004, Columbia/TriStar)
After being teamed up with Bill Murray, Colin Firth, and, now, John Travolta, it would appear that the studios think audiences only want to see Scarlett Johansson (Picture: 1) teamed up with a white man over forty. Wonder why that is? I mean, it isn't like Hollywood's run by white men over forty, is it? Ahem. Anyway, Scarlett plays Pursy, a girl who returns to New Orleans after spending years away in order to take charge of her deceased mother's house. Once she arrives in the Big Easy, however, it becomes clear that she's only inherited a third of her Mom's house, the rest being occupied by Travolta's Bobby Long and Gabriel Macht's Lawson Pines. Bobby is a former literature professor who traded in his Wordsworth for whiskey, and Lawson is Bob's former prot? turned drinking buddy. Long story short, the three unlikely housemates develop bonds and the film begins morphing into an episode of The Real World as if directed by Tennessee Williams. In skin-related news, Scarlett gives breast men everywhere reason to rejoice as she exits a shower wearing nothing but a loosely fitting towel. One massive Johansson jug is barely contained by her tiny hand, and even Travolta's scenery chewing can't distract your eyes from her Bobbies during that riveting, though not-Long-enough, glimpse.
Birth (2004, New Line Cinema)
Controversial, critically acclaimed, and downright corny, this far-fetched yet effectively grounded fairy tale of reincarnation and right-jolly Aussie-rodgering stars Hollywood royalty Nicole Kidman (Picture: 1). Nicole plays a young, hot widow (hold the prosthetic nose--and, hence, hold the Academy Award) who is still trying to get over the death of her husband as she moves on and gets engaged to a new man. Enter a young boy all of ten years old. The whippersnapper tells Nicole that he's really her deceased husband and seems to have the spirit and knowledge to convince her. (I wish I'd have thought of that scam at his age!) Well, as you can guess, Nicole's fianc?sn't thrilled about this kid sticking around. But Nicole seems to warm up to the idea that her late hubby is back. So much so that when the infamous--and oft-mentioned--bathtub scene brings more drama than skin to the table, you don't even mind! In my estimation Nicole and the kid weren't even in the same room, but the electricity is so charged given the subject matter that it's a testament to the direction and editing that the scene comes off so well. Now, I must admit, I'm a big advocate of curvy girls, and I wouldn't exactly say I'm in the Kidman camp, nudity-wise. But what Nicole always brings to her nude scenes that few other actresses do is a sense of the character she's playing. For example, I wouldn't say I'm a Kidman man, but the character she plays in Birth is hot! So are her characters in Dead Calm, Billy Bathgate, and Eyes Wide Shut. That girl can act her white ass off, and she's playing hot more than she is hot. Oh, hell, what do I know? Maybe she is hot after all. Smack this DVD's bottom and hear it cry in ecstasy.
Out on April 26
The Radley Metzger Collection, Vol. 3 (First Run Pictures)
Back when New York City's 42nd Street was immortalized in Taxi Driver and before it was cleaned up to resemble the Disney movies it now plays host to, the thoroughfare's theaters projected the dirtiest adult fare in the country. When it came to 42nd Street directors, Radley Metzger was the grindhouse's version of Fran?s Truffaut. Classy, artistic, and unmistakably foreign, Rad poured his heart, soul, and skin into every flick, and--under a pseudonym--redefined the juicy genre with his seminal fuck feature, The Opening of Misty Beethoven. The first two volumes of this sleaze-as-art auteur's films have been out for a while on DVD, but it's finally time to complete your carnal collection with Volume 3. This T&A treasure trove features three of Rad's masturbation masterpieces: The Lickerish Quartet, Carmen, Baby, and The Princess and the Call Girl. Carmen, Baby is a movie whose title says it all. If it doesn't, perhaps the tag line, "A hip Carmen in modern undress!" does. Way-out characters; fun, swinging party sequences; and off-the-wall dialogue such as, "Any friend of my husband's is a friend of mine," help 1967's Carmen sum up the time's forward-thinking and expanding sexual boundaries better than most celluloid efforts of the day. Sultry Uta Levka plays the title character, and when it comes to driving her libido, Levka's got a lead foot. The collection then jumps to 1984's The Princess and the Call Girl, Rad's last true film, where "The Prince and the Pauper" storyline gets a Sapphic makeover. This flick originally debuted on The Playboy Channel in the U.S., but it's got the usual Metzger charm and beautiful cinematography we've come to lust. Carol Levy (Picture: 1) plays a dual role as identical-looking long-lost college friends (one a rich girl and one a prostitute) who meet up again for a switcheroo of their titular titles. Identities aren't the only thing these ladies swap, as there's more bed-hopping going on here than in the outtakes from Eyes Wide Shut--and Kubrick kept whacking off to those right up to his grave. Finally, the greatest gem of the bunch, 1970's The Lickerish Quartet, brings us a truly twisted, bizarre, and titillating tale that simply couldn't get made today. Why? Well, try this on for size: A husband, wife, and teen son watch erotic films together. Still with me? Then all three become enamored of one particular film's star, a blonde dream woman played by the breathtaking Silvana Venturelli, whom they each want to turn into their own personal lickerish stick! Still with me? Well, guess what? The frisky family happens to run into Silvana at a carnival and she comes home with them to their creepy castle in the Italian mountains for some four-alarm flesh-flashing and mouthwatering labia-licking. And then? Well, then it really gets weird. If you know Metzger's films, you know you need to own these DVDs. If you don't, I probably can't convince you here. One thing is true, though, in the pantheon that is NYC hardcore grind-flicks, there's one director whose name was spelled out in semen on the crumbling adult-theater floors: The king of the "Deuce" himself, The Rad Man! And now that Misty Beethoven: The Musical is tearing up DVD players nationwide, thanks to the succulent Sunset Thomas, the time is right to revisit the master's salad days. Well, more specifically, his "tossing salad" days. The Deuce rides again!
Just bumped from April release . . . Deluxe edition now available from Japan
The Brown Bunny (2003, Lion's Gate)
Apologies to you faithful readers, as--at the last second--the April release date for The Brown Bunny now appears to have been pushed back in the U.S. yet again. But it's still, thankfully, available on import, so here we go. By now this infamous blowjob masterpiece is well known to every red-blooded, blue-veined, purple-headed American boy. Filmmaker Vincent Gallo had been looking for a company to distribute The Brown Bunny for about the same amount of time that Vince's character from Buffalo '66 spent in prison. Distributors and audiences alike were wary of the X rating the film was slapped with, but perhaps that worked out for the best, as The Brown Bunny is a dish best served hot and steamy on DVD! What better way to watch Chlo?evigny (Picture: 1 - 2) swallow Prince Vince's valiant sword than in the comfort of your own bedroom, lotion and tissues optional? The basic premise is that Vince is a motorcycle racer named Bud Clay who is traveling cross-country from one race to another still trying to forget his only true love. When you get a load of the load that Chlo?ust swallow, you'll see just why Bud's had such a hard time replacing her. Clay is putty in her hands during the infamous flashback blowjob scene. Chlo?this Bud's for you--frothy head and all! Chlo?s also seen on the receiving end of a sickening frat-boy m?ge-a-trois, in which she's the carnal keg that's being tapped. Like to take a real downer of a trip that deep throats your emotions, chews them up, and spits them out? If so, race out and get this bad boy!
