By Selwyn Harris

Along with Peter Cottontail, Passover, and the busy season for both the IRS and Girls Gone Wild, this April showers us with a blooming batch of bare babes on nude DVD releases. So while the weather warms up outside, put a little spring in your pants and peruse our picks for the breast dispatches on disc for the month ahead.

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April 4, 2006

Blue Thunder: The Special Edition (1983)
NUDE: Anna Forrest (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Sony Pictures
THE SKINNY: Roy Scheider raises hell as a rogue police pilot in a high-tech helicopter in the action classic Blue Thunder. Pink thunder is provided by shapely, unshaven Anna Forrest, whose naked calisthenics provide the ideal target for the super-chopper's ultra-intrusive telescope. That'll whirl your bird.

Brokeback Mountain (2005)
NUDES: Anne Hathaway (Picture: 1), Michelle Williams (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Focus Features
THE SKINNY: We trust that not only have you heard of The Gay Cowboy Movie, but you've been subjected to countless jokes on the topic as well. That stated, it's hard to imagine how, with topless cowgirls on hand like Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain heroes could possibly prefer bareback mounting--each other.

Crash: 2-disc Director's Cut(2004)
NUDE: Jennifer Esposito (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Lions Gate
THE SKINNY: The Academy Award winner for Best Picture of 2005, Crash is a sprawling, multilayered meditation on modern society, race relations, and the eternal conundrum regarding why we can't all just get along. Demonstrating how we should all just get it on is Jennifer Esposito, who does the dirty with Don Cheadle and exposes her left Espo-teat-o.

Hip, Hot 21 (1967) / Hot Thrills and Warm Chills (1967)
NUDES: Hip: Lorna Maitland; Hot: Lorna Maitland, Jeane Manson
STUDIO: SomethingWeird.com
THE SKINNY: Yet another dazzling double feature from our friends at Something Weird Video featuring a dual dose of vintage drive-in vixens at their most voluptuous. Both flicks on this extras-packed disc showcase Russ Meyer mammazon Lorna Maitland in the prime of her power-bosomed beauty. Hip, Hot 21 tracks Lorna as a country bumpkin adrift in the pervert-packed big city. Hot Thrills and Warm Chills teams Lorna with future Roger Corman casaba queen Jeane Manson in New Orleans. They recount various randy past escapades while plotting a Mardi Gras heist. You'll save on beads as you salivate over these sexploitation superstarlets' boobies.

The Long Good Friday: Special Edition (1980)
NUDE: Pauline Melville
STUDIO: AnchorBayEntertainment.com
THE SKINNY: Burly Bob Hoskins plays a badass British gangster in The Long Good Friday. As he attempts to work a deal to control the docks, his enemies take to bombing some of his black-market businesses. As explosive as those assaults are, they're little poots compared to the knockers of knockout Pauline Melville. She'll make you Long, no matter whether you watch the movie on Good Friday or not.

Streets of Rage (1994)
NUDE: Mimi Lesseos
STUDIO: Image Entertainment
THE SKINNY: A wild action flick from the director of all-time Mr. Skin favorite Forbidden Zone (1980), Streets of Rage stars martial-arts mama Mimi Lesseos (who co-wrote the script) as a Special Forces commando turned reporter who busts up an L.A. kiddie prostitution ring--one snapped limb, punctured windpipe, and twisted neck at a time. She also shows off her boobies, two at a time.

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April 11, 2006

Wolf Creek (2005)
NUDE: Kestie Morassi (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Weinstein Company
THE SKINNY: Australia entered the recent spate of torture-horror flicks with this tale of three young hikers who cross paths with a slash-happy bushman. The gore is copious, and we get some sweet glutes from Kestie Morassi as a would-be victim. Her heinie will make Wolf Creek viewers howl.

States of Control (1998)
NUDE: Jennifer Van Dyck (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Pathfinder
THE SKINNY: In the art flick States of Control, dark-maned dish Jennifer Van Dyck plays a neurotic New Yorker who abandons society by, among other indefensible acts, blowing up a porn shop. Fortunately she does have the good sense to treat us to a nice view of her nifty nipples before her final departure.

Puerto Vallarta Squeeze (2003)
NUDES: Giovanna Zacarias (Picture: )
STUDIO: New Line
THE SKINNY: Scott Glenn stars as a U.S. government assassin who goes on the lam down Mexico way with no less a formidable foe than Harvey Keitel hot on his tail. Puerto Vallarta Squeeze is a terrific action thriller that boasts bullets, bombs, blood, and, most spectacularly, the bare chest burritos of Latina lust machine Giovanna Zacarias.

Scorned: 2-disc Collector's Edition (2005)
NUDES: Trishelle Cannatella (Picture: 1), Jenna Lewis (Picture: 1), Stacie Jones Upchurch (Picture: 1), Tonya Cooley (Picture: 1), Trish Schneider
STUDIO: AnchorBayEntertainment.com
THE SKINNY: The made-for-cable thriller Scorned cleverly compiles a cadre of reality-television hotties in a basic B-movie murder plot that enables them to show off more flesh than they could have on the shows that made them semi-sort-of-famous. Trishelle Cannatella and Tonya Cooley originally hale from MTV's The Real World; Trish Schneider once vied for the hand (and gland) of The Bachelor; Stacie Jones Upchurch got Trumped on The Apprentice; and Jenna Lewis gave us jungle fever on the first season of Survivor. In Scorned, they each get naked. Forget reality TV and check out the reality TA.

Ellie Parker (2005)
NUDE: Naomi Watts (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Strand Releasing
THE SKINNY: She showed off her Hollywood hills while lezzing it up in Mulholland Dr. (2001) and drove the title character ape in King Kong (2005). Now turn on to Naomi Watts in the lead role of the indie comedy Ellie Parker, where this Australian eyeful not only treats us to her ta-tas again but allows us to explore her very own land down under.

Camp Slaughter (2004)
NUDE: Christina Luoma
STUDIO: Lightning Entertainment
THE SKINNY: You'd think potential clients would think twice before reserving a bunk at a place called Camp Slaughter, but . . . well, then we wouldn't have enjoyably off-the-wall splatter horrors like this one. We'd also be deprived of requisite pre-massacre sex scenes, such as the one here starring a momentarily lucky fellow and Christina Luoma, whose cans and caboose prove too tempting to the inevitable maniac on the prowl.

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April 18, 2006

Event Horizon: 2-disc Collector's Edition (1997)
NUDE: Holley Chant (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Paramount
THE SKINNY: Event Horizon is the name of a spaceship helmed by Laurence Fishburne and Sam Neill that literally travels to Hell and back in this gory sci-fi shocker. Relief comes from Holley Chant, whose hooters prove to be positively heavenly.

Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005)
NUDES: Anna Brewster, Rosalind Halstead, Kelly Reilly, Doraly Rosen, Sarah Solemani, Natalia Tena
STUDIO: Weinstein Company
THE SKINNY: In the ranks of professional flesh peddling, the real-life Mrs. Henderson (played here by Judi Dench) deserves a spot in the canon on par with Mr. Skin. Between world wars, Mrs. Henderson purchased a London theater and converted it into The Windmill, the home of England's first legal, licensed all-nude revue. Mrs. Henderson Presents details this glorious moment in British history with fine wit and accuracy in detail down to its most crucial element--i.e., bare birds in all their stark-raving-naked glory.

Hostel: Unrated Edition (2005)
NUDES: Jana Kaderabkova, Barbara Nedeljakova, Natali Tothova, Sandy Style, uncredtied actresses
STUDIO: Lions Gate
THE SKINNY: Writer-director Eli Roth plumbs fresh depths in the annals of modern horror with Hostel, his grueling account of uppity American college kids whose holiday turns all manner of homicidal in lawless Eastern Europe. Roth also breaks out of the box with a major early contender for the 2006 Anatomy Awards, packing Hostel with literally dozens of naked hotties, with luminous good looks and frequent unveiled appearances the likes of which have not ignited American screens in years. Come for the blood and guts; watch it again (and again and again and again) for the flesh that remains intact.

Cross of Iron: Special Edition (1977)
NUDE: Senta Berger (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: Hen's Tooth
THE SKINNY: In acclaimed director Sam Peckinpah's Cross of Iron, legendary tough-guy James Coburn portrays a Nazi-hating German soldier on the Russian front in World War II. Maximilian Schell is his creep of a commanding officer. Relief from battle fatigue comes from Senta Berger's behind, which she bares while putting on a dress. That is all, soldier.

Irresistible (2006)
NUDES: Emily Blunt (Picture: 1)
STUDIO: First Look
THE SKINNY: Let's be blunt: Emily Blunt is an eminently whack-worthy Australia actress who proves to be, as the movie's name suggests, Irresistible. Susan Sarandon portrays a wife who is consumed with the idea that Emily's character is attempting to steal away her husband (Sam Neill). A gander at Ms. Blunt's front during an outdoor sex scene makes such worries understandable.

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April 25, 2006

Magic (1978)
NUDE: Ann-Margret
STUDIO: DarkSkyFilms.com
THE SKINNY: Don't be a dummy: Go immediately and order the classic ventriloquist horror flick Magic. Not only will you get Anthony Hopkins as the voice-throwing hero, there's his creepy puppet Fats and Ann-Margret's naked knockerage. Just watch out for the magic wand that will suddenly appear in your lap.
Shopgirl (2005)
NUDE: Claire Danes (Picture: )
STUDIO: Touchstone
THE SKINNY: Steve Martin wrote the source novel and the screenplay for the low-key romance Shopgirl. He also plays the older gent attempting to woo the title character (Claire Danes) away from a grungy suitor (Jason Schwartzman) closer to her own age. No one was luckier, though, than the cinematographer who got to swoop in on naked Claire as she lay face down in bed and pointed her beyond-perfect posterior straight at the camera. Shopgirl will make you drop, boy.




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