SKINcoming -- December 2005!

By Selwyn Harris

Tits the season to get your jollies with stuffed sacks full of newd DVD releases. Among the flicks on disc that are guaranteed to turn you as red as Rudolph (albeit not in the nose area) are whacko classics featuring some of sexploitation's grandest femmes fatale (including Pam Grier, Pia Zadora, and Linda Lovelace) and one of Mr. Skin's all-time best-loved bush-only flesh flashes. So get set for lots of coming this Holiday season--and only some of it down your chimney!

DECEMBER 6, 2005

Butterfly (1982)
Studio: Jef Films Inc.
Who's Nude: Pia Zadora (Picture: 1 - 2)
The Skinny: Scandal rocked the 1982 Golden Globe awards when the Best New Star trophy was parceled out to someone called Pia Zadora, whom no one had ever heard of, for her work in some movie called Butterfly, which no one had ever seen. Immediately following Kewpie-dollish Zadora's thank-you squeaks, a TV commercial ran for Butterfly, a bargain-budget adaptation of a James M. Cain novel that pitted Pia against no less formidable thespian powerhouses than Orson Welles, Stacy Keach, and ... Ed McMahon. Drag queens, ironists, John Waters, and aficionados of Grand Tackiness the world over immediately took notice and a camp icon was born. Instantly famous for being famous, Pia Zadora--whose Israeli billionaire husband, it was suspected, might have been behind a nudge or two that nailed his bride that Golden Globe--then rode Butterfly throughout the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous decade into one of the most amusing spells of crackpot celebrity witnessed in the pre-Kato, pre-Lewinsky landscape of glittery trash. Pia posed for Penthouse, starred in the legendary Harold Robbins bomb The Lonely Lady (1983) as well as Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1988), and ultimately became a semi-respectable Las Vegas headliner. And now you can own Pia's poverty-row potboiler debut, which features her affably ghastly performance and pretty wonderful chestular protuberances, on DVD.

Cause c?bre (1987)
Studio: Koch Vision Entertainment
Who's Nude: Helen Mirren (Picture: 1 - 2)
The Skinny: The British TV movie Cause C?bre stars Helen Mirren as a woman of some years who takes up in a sexual manner with a male member of her household staff who is considerably her junior. Only instead of The Graduate's guffaws, here we get ... MURDER! Cause C?bre is a dramatization of a real 1935 criminal case, in which a young fucker offed the husband of his boss, and Helen Mirren's always reliable mams remain criminally appealing in a bedroom scene with her homicidal honey.

Dirty Love (2005)
Studio: First Look
Who's Nude: Jenny McCarthy (Picture: 1 - 2)
The Skinny: Blonde locks, balloon boobs, centerfold celebrity, TV stardom, and bona fide super-bombshell status apparently were not enough for scintillating sex symbol Jenny McCarthy. She needed to add "screenwriter" to her array of accomplishments. Fortunately Jenny's ambitions make for a fun, filthy-humored romp in the form of the romantic comedy gone berserk Dirty Love. The movie also showcases Jenny's talents as a frantic screen comedienne and reveals her flair for ultra-gross-out gags (such as when she floods a supermarket aisle with her own menstrual blood)--as well as revealing a fresh look at the mammoth milk melons that initially made her a household object of self-administered-handjob adoration. Dirty Love additionally features Carmen Electra (Picture: 1) in a parade of skanktastic get-ups, providing all the more Dirty ways for you to Love yourself as you watch it.

Land Raiders (1969)
Studio: MGM/Sony
Who's Nude: Arlene Dahl
The Skinny: Noteworthy mainly for its year of release--1969, despite the sexy implications, was still very early in the history of Hollywood allowing onscreen nudity--the Burt Lancaster western Land Raiders is also historic for the caliber of movie starlet who unleashes her right casaba in its pivotal scene. Arlene Dahl leapt from catalogue model to Tinseltown sensation with the release of My Wild Irish Rose (1947) and then led one of the classic lives of glitz and glamour of cinema's Golden Age, leading up to her crucial how-to book in 1965 titled Always Ask a Man: The Key to Femininity. In Land Raiders, Arlene responded to what generations of men had been asking of her, as she doffs her top in the desert heat and we see half of her regal rack laid bare.

PAM GRIER COLLECTION: FOX IN A BOX
Studio: MGM/Sony
Who's Nude: Foxy Brown--Pam Grier (Picture: 1), Sally Ann Stroud (Picture: 1); Coffy--Pam Grier (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3), Lisa Farringer (Picture: 1); Sheba, Baby--Pam Grier (Picture: 1)
The Skinny: Okay, suckas, get the deal here: Three of the most brain-blasting, ass-smashing, sexedelic whoop-fests of the baddest black-tress that ever was, Pam Grier, are conveniently compiled for you here in The Pam Grier Collection: Fox in a Box. The drive-in classics contained herein are Foxy Brown, Coffy, and Sheba, Baby. Each one is slam-packed with high-octane action and hard-pounding sex replete with funky fashions, kung fu mayhem, wah-wah guitar, and, most importantly, all-natural dairy dirigibles and overgrown '70s lap-'fros. If forced to pick--as so many not-so-innocent men are in le cinema du Pam--we'd name Coffy as the pinnacle of Ms. Grier's grand career, as well as the best place to eyeball her jamambo-stacked rack, Oscar Gamble-eque crotch coiff, and sweet, sweet cocoa caboose. She'll cream you every time.

Spanking the Monkey (1994)
Studio: Image Entertainment
Who's Nude: Alberta Watson (Picture: 1 - 2), Liberty Jean (Picture: 1)
The Skinny: Few things so immediately produce an erection in need of manual relief. And that is precisely the twain that doth meet in the 1994 indie hit Spanking the Monkey. Jeremy Davies plays a youthful mook forced to fend for his female parent (sultry Alberta Watson) when she's laid up by a broken leg. Among sonny's caretaker duties are helping Mom in and out of her clothes, followed by helping her in and out of the shower. Naturally enough, one thing leads to his mother. Aside from Alberta's junior-banging bounty, we also see thick-butted beauty Liberty Jean flaunt some full-frontal stuff as a hooker in a hotel room. Still, this Monkey is all about how if you had to handle naked Alberta Watson, she'd make a motherfucker out of you too.

Scorpion Spring (1996)
Studio: Image Entertainment
Who's Nude: Tamara Mello (Picture: 1)
The Skinny: Bite-sized, dusky-hued dazzler Tamara Mello plays against type (she was a high-school overachiever on the cult WB series Popular and babysitter to Baby Bob himself) in the razor-edged thriller Scorpion Spring. Set on America's vast and vastly dangerous open highways, Scorpion Spring follows Patrick McGaw as he picks up a series of scary hitchhikers because, obviously, he's never seen any one of the movies wherein it's made clear that such behavior courts decapitation and/or death by even ruder means. On the upside, Patrick does get to see the downside of terrifically tasty Tamara as a roadside prostitute who peddles her wares by raising her skirt and showing off a fluffy tuft of deliriously tempting muff at the fifteen-minute mark.


DECEMBER 13, 2005

Big Bad Mama: Special Edition (1974)
Studio: Buena Vista Home Video
Who's Nude: Angie Dickinson (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3), Shannon Christie, Sally Kirkland, Robbie Lee, Joan Prather, Susan Sennett
The Skinny: One of the most majestic achievements in double-barreled drive-in mam-demonium, Big Bad Mama busts off the screen with legendary lust goddess Angie Dickinson leading her similarly alluring daughters on a crime spree throughout the deep south of the Great Depression. Big Bad Mama was a massive hit due in no small part(s), of course, to the leading lady's massive tits, which she displays repeatedly, along with a stunning shot of down-home hair-pie to boot. Supporting their matriarch in her flesh-baring ways are acclaimed thespian Sally Kirkland, Switchblade Sisters's Robbie Lee, The Candy Snatchers's Susan Sennett, and Joan Prather, a.k.a. Janet from Eight is Enough. Shannon Christie shakes her moneymakers as well. She never went on to a more famous project, but her presence in this T&A-powered tommy-gun milestone has insured her immortality in the realms of onscreen skin.

Criminal Law (1988)
Studio: Polygram
Who's Nude: Karen Young
The Skinny: Atypically, Kevin Bacon keeps his bits under wraps in the thriller Criminal Law. Fortunately Karen Young--best known as FBI agent Robyn Sanseverino on The Sopranos--followed up her bare-bunned debut in Handgun (1983) here by showing off her sweet suck sacks.

The Yards (2000)
Studio: Miramax
Who's Nude: Charlize Theron (Picture: 1 - 2)
The Skinny: In this tale of mobster-run New York City train yards, Mark Wahlberg and James Caan provide the grit, while Charlize Theron provides the tit. Marky Mark is an ex-con who takes a job working on subway cars for his corrupt uncle (Sonny Corleone). Charlize plays Marky's girlfriend, and when the going gets rough, her shirt comes off. The Yards will give you some inches in your pants.


DECEMBER 27, 2005

Into the Blue (2005)
Studio: Columbia Tri Star
Who's Nude: Ashley Scott
The Skinny: Into the Blue stars Jessica Alba as a deep-sea diver who, along with awesome Ashley Scott, discovers a heap of booty on the ocean floor. Complications ensue when some baddies deign to separate these perfect tens from their pieces of eight, and the true tragedy is that nary a treasured chest among the ladies gets uncovered. But you won't be stuck with total Blue balls: Ashley gets ass-y and unveils the bounty buried within her bikini bottoms.

Lord of War: Special Edition (2005)
Studio: Lions Gate
Who's Nude: Annelene Terblanche
The Skinny: This Nicolas Cage vehicle about international arms dealing may have misfired at the box office, but it will turn your DVD player into a highly volatile explosive device when blonde minx Annelene Terblanche lights up the screen. As she's escorted out of a room, Annelene's anna-bells erupt forth from her shirt. You'll make love to this War.

LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT (1975)
Studio: Jef Films Inc.
Who's Nude: Linda Lovelace
The Skinny: As a governmental concept, the idea of Linda Lovelace for President makes perfect sense: Clearly, politicians reign as some of the most ferocious cocksuckers on earth. As a movie, Linda Lovelace for President is even better. It's an anything-for-a-milk-through-the-nose-laugh farce that features not only the Deep Throat diva of the title as she embarks en route to the White House, but one of those only-in-the-'70s supporting casts that includes Micky Dolenz, Scatman Crothers, Chuck McCann, Joe E. Ross, and professional JFK impersonator Vaughn Meader, who was no doubt grateful that the nation was finally ready to (sort of ) let him get back to work. And of that aforementioned array of glitterati, it is only Linda who gets naked.