Editor's Note: McBeardo is Mr Skin’s resident sexpert on weird, cult, fringe, midnight, underground and/or any other extreme form of skinema.
He reports from the frontlines and backrooms of most skintimidating screening halls on the planet – not the least of which is the place where he keeps his couch.
The opinions of McBeardo are not necessarily those of Mr Skin, MrSkin.com, or any related affiliates. The ideas as to what constitutes a “wild time” are definitely not Mr Skin’s, period.
And now, his first column ...
This is McBeardo, growling from the couch.
I come to not to pollute Mr Skin, but to elevate this enterprise into the spheres of … okay, I do come to pollute it. Just like I do everything else.
This semi-regular column will examine the finer points (two at a time) of the freakiest and most far-out filmic excesses to showcase wild women in states of undress, ecstasy, and/or agony.
Before we get started, let’s have you learn a few things about me.
My favorite movie of all time is Forbidden Zone, starring a couple of my favorite milk-spigots ever, which are attached to Gisele Lindley as the perpetually shirtless Princess.
I did, however, look at Milla Jovovich topless once and coin the term G.N.A.T.s -- Greatest Nipples of All Time.
Jane Birkin is runner-up in my personal nipple preference department (then comes dark-horse blonde Andrea Davis), and number one in my personal tiny-heinie preference department.
For mammoth seat-meat, of which I am also a derriere devotee, I salute Kimberly Kardashian, Idina Menzel, Sacha Horler and -- oy! -- Jenna Van Oy.
Misty Mundae once hurt my feelings in my heart as a person. In New Jersey.
Flaming red pubic hair paralyzes me with maniacal arousal. Freckles boost it to hyper-drive. I point you now to Sharon Kelly and Lisa DeLeeuw.
Emily Haack is my kind of classy, titsy-and-assy lady. So are the ladies known as Mink Stole, Christina Lindberg, Kay Parker, Candice Rialson, Beatrice Dalle (especially as the witch in Inside), Laura Gemser, Brigitte Lahaie, Asia Argento, Teresa Ann Savoy, and Season Hubley.
So is -- above anyone else who isn’t Meg McCarville -- Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith.
I love Russ Meyer so much I grew up to look like him. I love Radley Metzger, too, and now he’s dating my friend Ben’s sister (for real!).
Let’s get Hollywood out of the way now. Here’s who’s hot today: Paris Hilton (who, to me, is merely the 21st century Gisele Lindley), Liv Tyler's sister, Meat Loaf's daughter, Bai Ling, Maggie Gyllenhaal,Kim Kardashian (again), Kate Moss, Sara Rue (circa 2003, prior to stupid weight loss), Gina Gershon's teeth, the eyebrows of Rachel Weisz, and the bosomy Australian babe who was Charlie Sheen's neighbor on Two and a Half Men.
Press me to name my single favorite nude scene and it’s Joyce Hyser opening her prom tux in Just One of the Guys.
My youth was spent theater-hopping along New York City’s skinfamous grindhouse row on 42nd street, where I first became spellbound by flesh-and-blood-fests along the lines of of Bloodsucking Freaks, I Spit on Your Grave, Screwballs, Last House on the Left, the Ilsa movies, Tanya’s Island, Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, and pretty much any title on Mr Skin containing the word “cannibal.”
I also went to high-school within easy sashaying distance of Greenwich Village, where I had access to countless flesh-packed arthouse atrocities and midnight movies such as, well, Forbidden Zone (also again), Salo, Massacre at Central High, Flesh for Frankenstein (in 3D!), and The Devils.
In terms of contemporary amusements, my skinterests lay in modern midnight offerings such as Showgirls and Fight Club, and the outrageous horror of the Saw and Hostel films along with direct-to-video fright flicks like Blood Moon and She Creature.
But your dear benefactor McBeardo’s headiest kicks come from discovering unheralded gems to share with you, my adoring audience.
But(t) to truly get to know me, please peruse the following list:
In chronological order (somewhat, cumquat) ….
1. Benny Hill (the show, not the man).
2. Mackenzie Phillips on One Day at a Time.
3. The Cars' Candy-O album cover.
4. Caligula. Caligula. Caligula.
5. First season episodes of The Facts of Life.
6. National Lampoon's Foto Funnies.
7. All the Emmanuelle and Behind the Green Door stills in Danny Peary’s biblically essential opus, Cult Movies.
8. Heavy Metal (the movie, not the music, although that was the preferred soundtrack of my self-loathing).
9. Newspaper ads for porno movies.
10. The Solid Gold Dancers.
11. Reminisces of the chick who played Janet in the 1978 live cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show sitting in my lap and then flashing her boobs onstage at the 8th Street Playhouse right after I turned 10.
12. The opening credits of Who’s the Boss, where Mona leans back on the couch and stretches her arms out around Tony and Angela and her massive-but-firm grandma melons jiggle and joggle all over her chest.
13. Every sight I could take in and commit to photographic memory whenever I “accidentally” overshot my subway station and got off (literally) on 42nd Street.
14. Carol Wayne in Playboy. She was Johnny Carson’s Tea Time Movie Girl and, while the pictures were stunning unto themselves, it was the detail that she had a 14-year-old son at the time she posed that sent me into a basement toilet stall at Xavier High School. I was 14 myself at the time, and I pretended I came home from Malibu High and … you can paint the rest of that pretty picture.
15. A photo essay on H.O.T.S. that ran in a porn mag (I think it was Adam Film World or Cinema Blue or Erotic X-Film Guide) that otherwise covered hardcore theatrical releases. The specific shot was the topless huddle.
16. H.O.T.S. itself and, specifically, the topless huddle.
17. Mere knowledge of the existence of the film Teenage Twins.
18. Kelly Nichols in The Toolbox Murders. First, because she was naked. Second, because I somehow construed her character to be lesbian. Third, because I found out she was a hardcore porn star who I was sure had done some lesbian scenes.
19. Confessions of a Young American Housewife.
20. The entire post-Exorcist canon of Linda Blair: from Born Innocent and Sweet Hostage to Chained Heat and Savage Streets. And that includes Hell Night!
21. The top of Diane Franklin’s lap-’fro at the abortion clinic in The Last American Virgin.
22. The crotch close-up on the frightened lass wetting her pants in Pieces.
23. Chesty Morgan.
24. Nastassja Kinski's panther-pelt pubes in Cat People.
25. Bloodsucking Freaks.
26. The Ginger movies.
27. The Ilsa movies.
28. The Taboo movies.
29. Caren Kaye on It’s Your Move, bolstered by thoughts of her in My Tutor (I watched that movie in a crowd of dudes).
30. Twin sisters Liz and Jean Sagal hugging on the sitcom Double Trouble.
31. Kitten Natividad.
32. Any and all other women ever associated with Russ Meyer.
33. The nipples of Linda Haynes in Brubaker.
34. Mariel Hemingway lezzing it up with Patrice Donnelly (and not Patrice Charbonneau, as I mistakenly first wrote) in Personal Best.
35. Mariel Hemingway in Star 80.
36. Hardcore, the George C. Scott-Season Hubley meisterwürk, and hardcore, the entire movie genre.
38. Cheryl Smith in Lemora the Lady Dracula.
39. Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith in The Swinging Cheeleaders, and everything else, especially once I figured out that she was the same chick who played Lila Lee, the Singin' Angel in Lemora the Lady Dracula.
40. The Leonard Report starring Gloria Leonard on Wometco Home Theater (which my parents wouldn’t pay for, but which I could tune in okay enough on a 12-inch black-and-white Zenith in my bedroom. Thanks, horny neighbors!).
41. Electric Blue. It came on right after The Leonard Report, as part of WHT’s Nightcap Adult Films.
42. Hookers in Times Square.
43. Hookers on 14th Street and Third Avenue.
44. Various smudgy Xeroxes in The Gore Gazette.
45. Vanessa Williams in Penthouse.
46. Traci Lords in the centerfold of the Vanessa Williams Penthouse issue.
47. Every Traci Lords movie made before she was 18 (hey, I was under 18 too. Heaven help us all if there’s such thing as statutory masturbation).
48. The hosing of Kay Lenz's nipples in Fast Walking.
50. Jobeth Williams running down a school hallway topless at the climax of Teachers. Who cared if my buddy decreed her tits “dehydrated”?
51. The film title: Deep Inside Annie Sprinkle.
52. The “Large Prostitute” washing her milk-bags in Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (in 3D!)
53. Madonna’s “Borderline” video, particularly when she holds the beach ball above her head, and her mighty Detroit-Italian bosom swells, and I don’t even care that she’s wearing an 1890s Coney Island bathing-beauty cap.
54. Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” video, particularly when she arches her back and her right boob pops all the way out. You can look it up!
55. Madonna's hairy armpits in Playboy and Penthouse.
56. Every hairy female armpit I ever saw after that. Still.
57. The nipples of Jessica Harper in Inserts.
58. Tales of Ordinary Madness (but that still never made me a Bukowski fan. You try abusing yourself to those books!).
59. Mink Stole and Jean Hill lezzing it up in Desperate Living.
60. The publicity still in The Psychotronic Encyclopedia of Film by Michael Weldon from Eugenie … The Story of Her Journey Into Perversion depicting Marie Liljedahl getting nicely soaped up in the tubby by her aunt, Maria Rohm.
61. Gwendolyn Pierce on Charles in Charge.
62. Meredith Baxter’s pregnant boobs on season three of Family Ties.
63. Joyce Hyser’s prom-tux surprise at the end of Just One of the Guys.Always. Forever.
64. Knowledge of a British horror film titled Lesbian Twins (geez, was that a master-bait-and-switch letdown when I finally found it).
65. The Arrangement, an X-rated French movie playing at the legendary adults-only Cinema Kings Highway, which I and two pals finally worked up the balls to crash when we were between junior and senior year -- and which is still open and festering today!
66. Celebrity Skin.
67. Celebrity Sleuth.
68. The Taboo American Style movies. Especially Part 3 -- Nina Says "I'll Do It My Way" and Becomes an Actress!
69. A bunch of chicks whose names you don’t know because they lived in Brooklyn and New Jersey and they never became famous. Those broads weren't like Nina (portrayed by relatively obscure porn starlet Raven) in Taboo American Style Part 3. She said she'd do it her way, and she became an actress.
Filed UnderArchives, 1970s, 1980s, 3D, 42nd Street, A-cups, Amanda Aday, Asia Argento, Behind the Green Door, Benny hill, bisexual, Bloodsucking Freaks, Brigitte Lahaie, Brooklyn, Caligula, Candice Rialson, Cannibal Ferox, Cannibal Holocaust, Caren Kaye, Carol Wayne, Cat People, Celebrity Skin, Celebrity Sleuth, Cheri Caffaro, Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith, Chesty Morgan, Christina Lindberg, cult, Desperate Living, Diane Franklin, drive-in, Electric Blue, Elvira, Emily Haack, Emmanuelle, flat chest, Forbidden Zone, Gina Gershon, Ginger, Gisele Lindley, Gloria Leonard, grindhouse, Grindhouse Releasing, H.O.T.S., hairy, Hardcore, high school, High Society, Hookers, horror, Hostel: Part II, huge boobs, huge bush, huge butt, huge nipples, I Spit on Your Grave, ibtc, Idina Menzel, Ilsa, incest, Jane Birkin, Jenna Von Oy, JoBeth Williams, John Waters, Joyce Hyser, Just One of the Guys, Kate Moss, Katherine Helmond, Kim Kardashian, kinky, Kitten Natividad, Laura Gemser, lesbian, lesbian vampire, Linda Blair, Lisa De Leeuw, Mackenzie Phillips, Madonna, Maria Rohm, Mariel Hemingway, Massacre at Central High, Meg McCarville, Meredith Baxter, midnight movie, Milla Jovovich, Mink Stole, Misty Mundae, My Tutor, Nastassja Kinski, Nekromistress, New Jersey, New York, Patrice Charbonneau, Patrice Donnelly, Penthouse, Personal Best, Pieces, Playboy, Porn, pregnant, Rachel Weisz, Radley Metzger, Raven, red pubes, redhead, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Russ Meyer, Sacha Horler, Saw, Scrapbook, scream queen, Season Hubley, Sharon Kelly, Showgirls, skingoria, softcore, Star 80, Summer Lovers, Susan Sarandon, Taboo, teen, teen sex comedy, Teresa Ann Savoy, The Facts of Life, The Last American Virgin, The Leonard Report, The Toolbox Murders, Times Square, Traci Lords, twincest, VHS, WHT, XXX
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