A-Cup All-Stars

By Tivoli Foxx

PART ONE: MY LIFE IN SEARCH OF RACK-LACKING ROLE MODELS

Throughout my 'tween years in the '70s, I was force-fed the song stylings of Mr. Joe Walsh in the backseat of my big brother's Camaro. Actually, it was one song in particular: "I Like Big Tits," which was cleverly labeled on the album You Bought It: You Name It as "I.L.B.T.S" to stump censors. "I.L.B.T.S", in fact, became the mantra of my bro's maligned gang of burly burnouts and randy rockers. Barely budding of boobage myself, I longed for the day when groovy, smoke-soaked studs would make cracks about my own stupendous love-stacks.

My immensely endowed older sister, alas, provided no help. As a matter of fact, she rendered me the braless butt of jokes by giving me a t-shirt saying "Proud Member of the I.B.T.C." -- the Itty Bitty Titty Committee! I wore that garment like a scarlet letter well into adolescence, remaining completely casaba-barren and cat-call-free.

Wherever I looked around, big breasts seamed to abound. I felt as incomplete as a Mickey Mouse watch with only one hand working; I was adorable but half-functioning, broken in the eyes of hooter-hunting guys and lousy with a lack of self-esteem.

In college, I sought desperate measures to increase my measurements. The Wonderbra made good on its name, and when I needed the ultimate uplift for formal occasions, I propped up my picayune puffies by pushing them skyward with duct tape. What I lost in skin (when I had to pull the tape off), I gained in social confidence. These girly gadgets had me believing that my tits were terriff, but there was a bitter downside to my upsizing. Like a bald guy with a bad comb over, everyone could tell that I was in serious denial about my dainty digits.

Once I attracted a suitor, he would inevitably uncover my secret. During the first real bright-lights unveiling a bemused beau asked, "Do you stuff?" Steeped in refusal I told him, "Oh, it's lightly padded." Meanwhile my abandoned tit-sling looked like a couple of black Nerf balls lying next to the nightstand.

No longer happy with enhancing, I quit beefing up my buds. I also stopped shopping for a man. Taking my chance with the other 50-percent of the population, I spent many a college night in dyke bars. I was surprised to see that my sisters-in-licks were brazenly going braless (even topless!) and better yet, many of them had less to bounce than I did! Hawk-eyeing their diminutive flippings on the dance floor, I took my shirt off in solidarity and came home to homo-erotic delights. In touching the mini-mammed and having my own nubbins nibbled on, I became ultra-aware that my tweeny Twinkies packed more than enough punch. Soon sexy starlets with bitty biscuits began catching my eye. Surely the wankful, watchful fly of the American public must lust after their nibbins.

I realized that people who dated hefty-hooted honeys exclusively were the real boobs and had a lot to learn about what was breast: Tiny tats are really the tops in pops!




PART TWO: FORGET FLUFFY FINGER FIDGETS: FLAT IS WHERE IT'S AT!

Does your cock-a-doodle-do need convincing? Check out the bonuses of being with bit-o-honeyed hotties and these erotic examples of some of the lustiest of l'il-lugged luminous stars below.

MORE THAN A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED!

Men use this phrase to sweet talk small-chested chicas to score extra sex-points. It's also thrown around to other dudes in defense of dating such a diminutively endowed-dearie. Clich?r not, it's a physical truth. Anything outside of the areola is really just a wasteland of wooblage. Supermodel Naomi Campbell told the press that her mother always said the perfect perk-pot can be contained in a goblet of champagne. Just as a glass can hold a specific amount of liquid, your hand can only grab a certain load of love nuts.

NIPPLES ARE NIBBLICIOUS

It's the nip that's most hip. Sets of breasts should be judged based on suck-appeal. When you look at a pair of appealing apple dumplings, do you long to snack on the superfluous fat around the mouth mound? As babies, boys and likeminded broads instinctively know, it's the nipple you most want to maw. Think of weensy waifs such as Parker Posey (Picture: 1) and Maria Bello (Picture: 1): although level in the lung-pillow-department, their gorgeous chest-charms are the real taster's choice. Who wouldn't want to dine on the tips of those tartlets?

THIN-SKINNED SUCK-SACKS ARE ULTRA-SENSITIVE

Gals with snack-sized dollies are more susceptible to stimulation. Calling someone "thin-skinned" means they are touchy or sensitive. Most chubby-canned chicas I've known aren't into maximum attention on their mounds. On the other hand, less-fleshed women squeal with Skinsation at the mere pinch of their wee wampums.

DRESSED OR UNDRESSED, BRALESS IS BEST

The chicest clothing looks cheekier with your tips pointing at attention, bra-free. And whether a girl is a superstar or a superintendent, if she's lean of love-knobs, she will look always better in skimpy clothes. Think of high fashion foxes like the '60s teeny-tittled Twiggy, or sack-successful supermodels such as Kristen McMenamy and Shalom Harlow. These slender sex-bombs not only set the trends, they send men into convulsions with every taut-torso'd trawl down the catwalk.

When the turkey looks done, men flock to those floppies that fly free. Think of the frequently bra-less and gracefully gorgeous Debra Messing. She never misses the mark when her little Debbies are on point in tit-slingless episodes of Will & Grace.

Best of all for the bra-less, when taking off your top, bare boobage makes you that much closer to suck-sex.

PEE-WEE CHEST-APPENDAGES PACK STAYING POWER Even the most sumptuous of super-soakers ultimately head south with seasoning. Sadly, double-D'd Drew Barrymore won't hold up as well as Sandra Bullock's supple stubbies when they both hit birthday 40.

Eternally girlish Goldie Hawn will still be socking it to us into her 70s, but there's no figuring how the hugely-hootered Winona Ryder will fare. Like mother like daughter, small-cupped cutie Kate Hudson's (Picture: 1) narrow knockerage stands to stay almost as fantastic as her famous mom's, with little lilt from they day she bared her rose-petals in Almost Famous.

As for the fate of nummy-nippled Natasha Gregson Wagner (Picture: 1) (daughter of Natalie Wood), thanks to her gorgeous genetics, she'll be spiking trees well into her golden years.

THE SMALLER THE PLUMS, THE SWEETER THE BUM

Even if baby doesn't have maximum back, when her sacks are stumpy, one can't help but notice her boom-boom.

Blast back to the past and remember Brooke Shields' bodacious back-stacks when nothing came between her and her Calvins. Think of Mena Suvari's (Picture: 1) booming booty in American Beauty, Milla Jovovich's (Picture: 1) beauteous bad-girl gluteus in No Good Deeds, or widdle-tittled redhead Alicia Witt's (Picture: 1) wiseguy-tempting tail on The Sopranos.

Booty-full blacktress Mowava Pryor's sirloin-thick seat-meat got trouser-pythons of every persuasion throbbing and bobbing in SnakeEater, and Juliette Lewis's (Picture: 1) dear rear never fails to look plumply comfy in her every Skindeavor..



PART 3: MEGA-MAMMARY MYTHS DEMYSTIFIED!

Have you been buying into the huge hoopla of mile-high honker superiority? Here are some front flab fallacies that have encouraged bitty-biscuited broads to opt for falsies.

ONE MUST BOAST A TOWERING TWOSOME TO BE A BELIEVABLY VICIOUS VIXEN

D-cupped diva's had their heyday in Film Noir flicks of the '40s and '50s, but today's smallish starlets can be just as femme fatale without all that extra gazonga-girth.

Lithe-lunged Lucy Liu (Picture: 1) was ruthless as a Samurai sextress in Kill Bill, slicing off the head of a mouthy employee in the board room. No other bitch babe could take the place of mini yo-yo'd Yancy Butler (Picture: 1) in the series Witch Blade. And much like fancy Yancy, petitely sweet Misty Mundae radiates enough vixenish venom to make the plumpest of pants-pythons week in the pees.

BEING BOOBLESS MAKES A BABE BOY-LIKE

Some of the hippest, most manly men of all time obviously disagree with this stance on teeny-tatted dolls. Frank Sinatra married the boyishly-cropped, less than fleshy Mia Farrow, and it's no secret that her flap flashing was ultra-feminine in Secret Ceremony.

Swinging French songster/filmmaker/megalomaniac/genius Serge Gainsbourg built a reputation for pushin' on the least-cushioned. Proud of her plumage, he featured his wife Jane Birkin's (Picture: 1) diminutive digits in Je t'aime mon non plus He also dated the slightly-siphoned French actress-model Vanessa Paradis (ing?e of ?ise) just before he died. Serge would be proud of his androgynous daughter Charlotte Gainsbourg, who follows in mummy Birkin's flatsy footsteps.

Pirates of the Caribbean star Johnny Depp is the modern era's most high-profile of pirate's dreams in his private life. After many years on-and-off neat-nerped, super-poopered model Kate Moss, Johnny has since settled down with pretty-petaled Vanessa Paradis and has sired two tots with the tiny-up-top temptress.

PLASTIC IS FANTASTIC

In this era of modern medicine run amuck, t'aint no big thing pay for the installment of huge boobsies. Yet anyone who has fingered the tough texture of man-made mamajamas knows that natural just feels nicer. Why go shopping for polyester, with so much sultry silk available?

King of All Media (and Mammaries) Howard Stern has a doctor pal Sal Calobro who provides Howard?s show with breast implants as prizes. And even Dr. Sal says that he's noticed a downward trend in artificial dairy-dirigibles, as gals are opting for smaller augmentation. In fact, Dr. Sal add, that these days he barely goes above a B-cup when doing implants, at the patient's request.

Many stars who opted for bigger oglers have since changed their minds. Mariel Hemmingway hefted her hoots from a pert 32 to a plump 26 to play Playboy Bunny Dorothy Stratten in Star 80. After taking out the implants, Mariel had even more moxy as a loco lesbo in The Sex Monster. Pamela Anderson had her ample appendages removed recently. Even without the aid of plastic, Pammy still pops as potently as ever.



PART FOUR: A PANCAKE PANTHEON OF BANTAM-BOSOMED CHAMPIONS

For further Skinspiration, check out the wee cheetahs of these other successful small fries.

ALI MACGRAW (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Stubby-stacked '70s sweetheart of Love Story
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Love means never having to opt for surgery."
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Miss MacGraw had cowboys on the quick draw over her Ali babbas presented in profile in The Getaway (1972).

ALYSON HANNIGAN
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Sweet slice of A-merican Pie
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Meager-milkered band geeks make better lovers!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Aly made girls less than blessed of chest look supernaturally sexy as the bra-less bisexual witch "Willow" on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

IMOGEN STUBBS
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Aptly-named, itty-bitted British actress
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Gentleman prefer peeks at paltry poppers!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Miss Stubb's nubs were breast in Blind Ambition (2000). Her prominent pips were quite a small site for sore eyes.

JANE ADAMS (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Sad, yet sweetly-studded sexpot of Happiness (1998)
MINI-MAM MOTTO: 'The real joy in life comes from the toys of the tot-like tatted."

LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Jane's junior jugglets were most cheerfully pert in The Anniversary Party (2001).

JESSICA HARPER (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Pretty-pebbled songstress of Pennies from Heaven (1981)

MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Gals with the smallest lungs make the most beautiful music."
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Jess's inert angel-cakes were most pert in Inserts (1975).

JULIA STILES
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Cutely-cupped, color-blind starlet of Save the Last Dance and O
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "If you lack love for little lollipops, there are AT LEAST 10 Things I Hate About You!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: In the sexed-up Shakespeare remake O (2001), Julia's smallish style socked Mekhi Phifer right in his foot balls.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Daintily-dolloped decoy queen of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Pirates prefer diminutive dubloons"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Although she failed to give a preview of her prize as Orlando Bloom's treasure in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Keira's kickin' knobs were a whole lot-a-love in The Hole (2001).

KOO STARK (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Adorable-appled former love of Prince Andrew and Princess of the pants-snake in Las Adolescentes (1975)

MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Royalty gets randy over A-cup crowned cuties."
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Stark nekid in a tub, Koo's cuddly cowlicks were most coolly exposed in Cruel Passion (1977).

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: The English Patient's littlest English-muffins
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Tea and crumpets are best with minuscule breasts."

LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: In the French flick, An Unforgettable summer (1994), Miss Scott-Thomas's tat-daisy's are ripe and ready for the sniffin'.

LESLIE BIBB (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Elite model and Popular sporter of pint-sized suckables.
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Boys do make passes at girls with small assets!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Leslie's lact-orbs were pointedly perfect on the seemingly cold set of the teeny series Popular

LOLA FALANA
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: First petitely-pegged Lady of Las Vegas
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Giant jugs are a jackpot of fool's gold!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Vegas staple Lola's luscious little pipes used to wow audiences in Skin City with her song and bounce. But L-o-l-a Lola was most l-u-s-t-y lusty when flashing her brown-sugar babies in The Klansman (1974).

MAURA TIERNEY (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: ER's concave care-giver
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Two wee apples a day keeps the doctor at bay!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: This mini-mounded TV MD is a true Skinspiration for boys lusting to play doctor.

PARIS HILTON
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Hilton Hotel heiress and nifty-nipped home-video vixen
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "In clothing and in cleavage, less is always more!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLES: While best undressed in bootlegged tapes, Paris's puffs were delectably divine in prime-time with gal-pal Nicole Richie on The Simple Life.

SEASON HUBLEY (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Fully flat '70s sweetie
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Tiny toots make for hardcore hoots!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Season had her mini-moment in the sun playing a titless teenage hooker in the George C. Scott sleaze-safari Hardcore (1979). You'd be hard pressed (or pressed hard) to find a sexier smallster in '70s Skinema.

SELMA BLAIR (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Today's reigning dairy queen of diminutive dubloons.
MINI-MAM MOTTO: "Those who crave massive can-cans always have Cruel Intentions!"
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Selma's small-topped spot in Story Telling (2001) will leave you with a happy ending. She flops her miniature mounds in over 190 minutes of sheer Skin footage.

TARA SUBKOFF (Picture: 1)
DIMINUTIVE DESCRIPTION: Less-than-gazangaed girl-muncher of All Over Me (1997) and delish designer of hip threads for Imitation of Christ
MINI-MAM MOTTO: Mary Magdalene's mulligan were but wee wisps of wafer
LEAST MAMMARABLE ROLE: Tara broke out her unga-bungas in the savagely sexy Teenage Caveman (2001).

Have a particularly fine flatty that makes you stiff as a board? Let us know and we'll make sure she's in our database of dwarfly-dappled darlings.