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“I want the girls to be part of the political process,” declares Dennis Hof—dubbed “America’s Most Famous Pimp” by the conservative New York Post and proprietor of 7 legal brothels with 540 working girls, including The World Famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch in {you can’t make this up} Mound House, Nevada.
A master at selling … whether it be generating publicity or monetizing mons … Hof has enlisted one of his hottest “commodities”—hooker Harley Lane to turn the country’s divided thoughts from election to erection!
“The prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch are celebrating Donald Trump’s upset victory by offering a special ‘Grab Them By The Pussy!” $$$ discount,” began an email in Sleuth’s in box the morning after the results were tabulated, “in honor of the Reality TV star’s infamous taped boast that such groping of unsuspecting women was a particular specialty of his” {though not the Bush of soap star Arianne Zucker, who lends a hand}.
“That’s right!” proclaims top earner Harley. “In celebration of Trump’s groundbreaking presidential win, I’m offering my clients a ‘Grab Them By the Pussy!’ price discount for the entire month of November to customers who show me their ‘I Voted’ sticker.” In other words, she’ll show you hers if you’ll show her yours …
“What can be better than having great sex to commemorate this historic occasion,” the courtesan continues, “as we begin to ‘Make America Great Again!’ Now everyone can also ‘Get America Laid Again!’ and feel what it’s like to be a famous celebrity like President Trump, and do anything you want to me, including … grabbing me by the pussy,” she says in a Twitter video … and demonstrates below.
Lusty Lane was the founder of the Ranch’s campaign action committee Tarts for Trump …
… though she and tattooed Kit Kat Ranch regular Cherry Lane {no relations} were its only outreach members.
“I am success driven,” declared vice president Cherry, “let’s go for it! Grrrrrr. I want it from behind. Hard!”
“Come in for my SUNDAE FUNDAY party today,” suggests the Baltimore-born blonde. “Bring in your favorite toppings, candies/cakes. Let’s taste each other like never before.”
As huckster Hof, whose 2015 memoir The Art of the Pimp …
… sounds suspiciously like the title of an earlier businessman’s bestseller …
… wrote when ‘Tarts for Trump’ was formed by the Lane ladies a month before the election, “They say they feel that The Donald is very ‘pro-whore,’ and his positions are very supportive of prostitution and improving the daily lives of working girls.”
Harley and Cherry echoed that by issuing this statement: “Donald Trump’s protectionist trade policies have resonated with the Bunny Ranch’s prostitutes who have long been frustrated with competition from overseas prostitutes who severely undercut their rates [‘that’s good business’] and cost American sex workers’ jobs. During the Obama administration, U.S. Secret Service agents were even caught visiting overseas brothels on trips abroad, leaving American dollars in foreign hands.”
Specifically the hot hands of Colombian courtesan Dania Londoño Suarez …
… during the April 2012 Summit of the Americas in Cartagena—where Sleuth visited two weeks ago and confirmed the ‘undercover’ events. In addition to locating Dania’s details in her escort ad from that time:
The Secret Service advance team for the president’s visit were “completely stupid, idiotic people,” Suarez said. “I don’t know how Obama had them in his security force.”
Particularly 41-year-old bodybuilder agent Arthur Huntington—who took the 24-year-old single mother back to his hotel late on April 11th from the hooker-heavy Tu Candela club:
In-demand Dania definitely made it clear their ‘date’ was sex for money. “These are very basic words: sex, sexo, cash, money, dinero. I made a sign with my fingers so he couldn’t pretend that I was charging $80 or 80 cents.” She says that when she named her price—$800—hunky Huntington didn’t flinch.
When he awoke at 6:30 a.m. the next morning, “I tell him, ‘Baby, my cash money’” … but says he only gave her “about $30 in local currency” before shoving her out the door: “Let’s go, bitch. I’m not going to pay you.”
Eventually, other agents there to protect President Obama—13 in all were involved with prostitutes that evening—scrapped together $250 for Dania, but their wild ride was exposed when the commotion caused hotel security to alert local authorities.
And Dania, the destitute prostitute, ended up with a lucrative book deal.
The Secret Service scandal didn’t deter Hof’s staff from forming a potent political group to challenge Tarts for Trump … and Hookers 4 Hillary managed to attract 490members at all his legal brothels.
Commented Caressa Kisses—the buxom blonde holding up the ‘H’ above left: “I think Clinton could work with the members of Congress who refuse to work with Obama. Plus, I think she would be understanding to what we do as sex workers. I think she sees everyone as a person and doesn’t judge.” 2015 Bunny of the Year Caressa should be admired as a surgical technician at High-Tech Institute (below right), who turned to prostitution in 2012 when saddled with “a $40,000 debt load. I am so grateful that I did,” she smiles.
“If you tell me you’re caucusing or voting for Hillary,” courtesan Kisses vowed before the Nevada primary, “I will give you a free lunch or 30 extra minutes with me to use however you like.”
And before choosing, you might like to know that Caressa confirms: “I’m not just selling my poonani (below right)—I help people through all the different stages of their lives, but I do it with sex. I enjoy sex so much more now than ever before, and I’ve gotten much kinkier. One of my greatest accomplishments was when a client wanted to have sex for 24 hours.” So what’s another 30 minutes?
“I believe Secretary Clinton is the presidential candidate most likely to protect Obamacare from being repealed,” added Hooker for Hillary—and 2014 finalist for Courtesan of the Year—Ivy Mae, age 25.
“Obamacare allows us to get health care without classifying us as illegal workers. Not having it canceled is a big deal.”
So is keeping Big Daddy, Dennis Hof, happy—and Ivy mae have hit on the perfect form•ula: “Blowjobs, blowjobs and more blowjobs,” she says is her secret.
“I’m your perfect ‘Lady in the Streets, Freak in the Sheets,” adds the Vegas native who bills herself as The Polynesian Princess. “My favorite service is Half Half”—splitting a client’s time between oral and vaginal. “For two reasons: blowjobs and sex. With this party, you can experience the sensations of both my sets of lips.”
Countered Tarts for Trump mouthpiece Harley Lane: “Nevada’s sex workers believe that loose lips will actually bring nationalist pride back to full mast!”
Hof knows how to pick a winner … so it should come as no surprise that he has replaced Hooker 4 Hillary Ivy Mae with his “current main squeeze” Harley.
Hence the massive publicity push for her ‘Grab Me By the Pussy’ pronouncement … and Hof’s highlighting Harley’s 20th birthday with a special tweety to his “sweety”:
She’s also become the Face of the Franchise—having a hand in its advertising … and her pants {grabbing herself by the pussy}.
“I’m a paramedic student,” little (“5 foot 1”) Lane confides. “I’m sexy enough to stop your heart, but skilled enough to restart it!” Which might come in handy with her just-turned-70 lover Dennis. “I’m often asked what it’s like to be with men who are significantly older than myself,” smiles the self-proclaimed Moonlite Ranch’s Baby Bunny—who’s old enough to pokémon with precision.
“Most of my clients are twice or even three and four times my age. I discovered that I didn’t mind much. It’s all about understanding how to make these men comfortable and happy so they can enjoy themselves. Aside from my own medical education (I’m training as an EMT), I’ve had to learn how to work with these complications and how to help a man overcome them. More often than not it is simply a matter of extending foreplay. In all of my encounters I have only had one older man not reach orgasm.”
Let’s hope it wasn’t Hof—whose most famous girlfriend, porn star Sunset Thomas, said after their mean-spirited split: “His threats became as limp as his dick so often was.”
Demagogue Dennis insists he’s “got no problem in that area, I can assure you”—sound like anyone we know?—and after having “fallen madly in love with prostitutes” in the early '70s, “I soon realized I had a big problem: I loved fucking and I couldn’t get enough of it.”
So he bought the farm—or in his case the circa 1955 Moonlight Ranch that he most often frequented—in the early '90s for $1 million, and changed its dingy décor and dull dames …
… into the upscale, ‘upsale’ establishment of today {with "mother figure" Madam Suzette proffering the pricey lady line-up'}.
“I wanted the girls to be independent contractors, to set their own prices and make their own deals,” was the bordello boss’ brainstorm.
The other was to convince 1998 Penthouse Pet of the Year runnerup Diane Marie Fowler, a beautiful blonde from Sikeston, Missouri who’d transformed into a Hall of Fame adult legend as Sunset Thomas, to become the first famous porn star to “make hooker history” by openly escorting in 2001.
“I’m a little nervous,” she said about the leap from reel to real rooting. “I’ve never done anything like this before. But I’m very excited and very horny. The idea of having sex with my fans has always turned me on. I didn’t care what anyone said. I could bank and I did. In doing so I opened the door for other adult stars to work legally as courtesans and make big money—that’s why some call me the ‘Rosa Parks of Prostitution.’”
“Dennis is a salesman,” Diane/Sunset says of the former service station owner who gave free petrol to massage parlor girls during the 1972 gas shortage so he “could make use of their services, anytime, gratis, in return.”
Fowler feels “he comes from a salesman’s background—pimps sell sex and that’s his act.” Good enough to get the successful strumpet to change her name to Diane Hof during their 5-year “love and lust” affair.
“I wanted to find another financial outlet for my career,” she explained, “and since it was common for girls in the [adult] biz to ‘see’ fans on the side it was no great stretch.” Yet many of her colleagues “took the position that prostitution and porno are not the same. They think that what they do is better. To me, it’s exactly the same. It’s a matter of enjoying sex and getting paid for it.”
As Sunset did in January 2004, when one lucky customer at the Kit Kat Ranch posted this review of her paid performance {at $1,000 a pop}: “This woman is a pro... she pulled it out and began giving me an amazing blow job. Wow, this woman knows what she is doing. If you have any doubt just watch a movie of hers [may we suggest Into the Mouths of Babes or Organ Grinders?]. This was definitely once in a lifetime, and well worth the money spent.”
Alas, Sunset “left Dennis Hof and his Bunny Ranch in February of 2005 before the second episode of their HBO show Cathouse,” according to IMDb, “and publicly announced she was closing the door on being available as a courtesan in Nevada.”
Yet she was back ‘on the game’ at the rival Chicken Ranch in May 2013 … though off her game: “She said that she would blow me, let me go down on her, and fuck her for $2,000,” divulges disappointed customer The Fat Mac. “I fucked her for about five minutes but she started a loud, obnoxious fake orgasm. I was getting turned off so I asked her to suck me off. Her BJ skills were decent but not the best ever.”
“Overall, I wish I would have selected another provider. Sunset was all about the upsell and never really delivered. This was probably one of my least favorite experiences.”
One of Hof’s most enjoyable was with the notorious Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss, to whom he became engaged in 2009.
After breaking off planned nuptials with Frank Sinatra Jr. and actor Tom Sizemore, Heidi gushed: “I’m finally ready to make a commitment to one man—and that’s Dennis. It’s going to be my first and only wedding, so it’s going to be fabulous” {again, who does that sound like?}. But she was only pandering to the press …
“I like the idea of being emotionally monogamous,” Hof is the first to admit, “but my penis doesn’t think that way” {since when does semen have sense?}.
In The Art of the Pimp, Dennis writes that he prefers “young girlfriends” and notes that “girls over 21 aren’t worth bothering with.”
Art of the dealmaker Donald Trump told Howard Stern in 2002 that he had dated women aged “around 21” but it was “embarrassing because they would be studying algebra.” He then opined that when women reached the age of 35 “it’s called check-out time.”
Eager East Moline, Illinois model Brooke Taylor was just 17 when Hof escorted her to the 2005 Billboard Awards … and they soon moved in together. When she turned 20, he described her to Marie-Claire magazine as “a bright, articulate, attractive, nasty girl, and a very good dick-sucker.” Eventually, he “taught her to have 20 or 30 orgasms a day.”
“I truly believe Brooke loved Dennis,” reveals his ‘work wife,’ Madam Suzette … but Taylor tattles that “all the drama was slowly driving me insane” at the Bunny Ranch or, as Marie-Claire commented: “It’s like living in a de facto sorority with women who are constantly competing with each other for business, many of whom are having sex with the boss, who is Brooke’s boyfriend.”
Until he dumped her after 6 years to take up with 20-year-old Cami Parker, who saw him on the Tyra BanksShow and visited the Ranch: “When I first arrived,” she recalls, “the other girls all responded, ‘Daddy’s gonna love you!’ {‘Daddy’ is what all his employees call Hof}. As the New York Post recounted: “She asked them if she would have to have sex with Hof. ‘Well … no … I guess you don’t have to …’ Cue sidelong glances. ‘But you should.’ ‘What does that mean?’ ‘Well, you want Daddy to like you. You won’t have a very good time if he doesn’t, so if he wants you to, you definitely should.’ Impressed by Hof’s presence, Parker wound up in a relationship with him.”
“He eventually told Cami that, at 23, she was ‘too old for him’—Hof was 65 at the time—since ‘girls over 21 are no good anymore.”
She now calls him a “soul-less pimp”—having arrived back at the brothel after visiting her mother to discover “some girl I’d never seen before who came up to me and said, ‘You’re Cami. Dennis said I’m his new girlfriend but he’s just waiting for you to leave! When are you leaving?”
Enter Michigan homecoming queen and cheerleader Krissy Summers … which he did!
“I chose an unusual path to Dennis Hof’s world famous Bunny Ranch in 2013,” she relates. “I am a former University of Michigan cheerleader, receiving a double major in public relations and business. In significant school debt {$45,000}, I decided to come up with a unique plan to pay off my student loans and that’s where the Bunny Ranch comes in. I paid off my school loans in just 3 months! Pretty amazing, right?”
Not if you’re boning the Boss:
They met for the first time in a hotel room: “I walked in and he said, ‘Hi, I’m Dennis Hof,’” Krissy confides. “And I remember thinking, ‘I know who you are.’ And then he said, ‘Take off your pants.’ That was it. I was absolutely terrified. Dennis was only the second man I’d ever been with”—having “lost my virginity at 19 to a preacher’s son.”
But he soon had her offering a “stimulus program” to taxpayers using the new IRS online tool. Krissy told TheInquisitor that she even sometimes helped clients do their taxes in her birthdaysuit: “Some guys want me naked and some want me to keep my clothes on. Some like the secretary look.” Could be the first time a hooker encouraged her ‘johns’ to demand: “Where’s My Refund?!”
“I get half naked girls running around my business every day,” Hof smiles. “I love my job. But I only date working girls. I don’t date civilians.” And he tried to be “civil” when sleeping with Krissy. “All that has slowed down to—I hate to stay a stop, but a trickle—with Krissy, because I’m really happy with her.”
Which is what he also said about his 23-year-old half-Portuguese hooker honey Ava Adora in 2014. “Despite their 44-year age difference,” Buzzfeed reported, “Adora is having regular sex with Hof, whom she occasionally kisses during our interview. Hof claims to have slept with over 4,000 women, including every girl he has ever employed. In conversation, he refers to Adora as his girlfriend, because ‘she’s the girl I’m having the most sex with.’”
Ava acknowledges that she “has never had sex with more than four men in a single day,” refuses to have anal sex with clients (“It’s a lot of work”), but “will do anything else.”
Including double-team a certain former President {and nearly the first First Laddie} at “a star-studded charity ball” in March of that year with blonde colleague Barbie Girl:
“These girls are just incredible fans of Bill Clinton,” the always-advertising Hof told the New York DailyNews. “They kept saying, ‘Please take me, Daddy.’ Clinton was busy snapping photos with well-wishers, and didn’t realize that he had posed for a picture with ladies of the evening. He didn’t know they were hookers. But I guess when you’re a President, you like pretty girls too.”
If your package is similarly stimulated, cast your vote for Part Too …
