Judy Tenuta: The Mr. Skin Interview

Judy, Judy, Judy!
Hey, we get to talk about lots of naked people now! Yaaaaay!

Well, let's start with your own naked person. You look great! Have you ever done a nude scene? Will you in the future?
No, studsicle! I don't take enough pain killers to be that free-thinking. And I can't now! My theory is that if you're going to be naked on film, do it while your butt's not all jiggly.

I'm sure your butt is flab free and fabulous. You know, Mamie Van Doren (Picture: 1 - 2) waited until she was seventy-seven to make her debut nude scene, and she looked great.
Seventy-seven! Well, then maybe that's when I'll do it too. But that's a long, long, long time away from now. And who knows, with all these laser surgeries, I'll bet everybody will be able to look great at seventy-seven. You just need money. Thank you, George Lucas! Thank you for all the lasers!

We'd so love to have some nude pictures of you on MrSkin.com.
I love Mr. Skin! I first heard him on Howard Stern and I immediately checked out the site. My favorite thing about it was that you have these pictures of, like, Reese Witherspoon (Picture: 1 - 2) nude before she was really famous, like when she was twelve or something.

Well, she certainly wasn't twelve!
Okay, so maybe she was fourteen. But you have these pictures from before she popped kids out and when nobody knew who she was and she was showing off the goods in some movie.

It was in Twilight, and we say that she served up Reese's Pieces.
Hahahahaha! But what I like about Mr. Skin is that you see these women that you know something about. It's not just like looking at some waitress from Kansas who's been out rotating crops. Rotating crops puts years on you, honey, and that's why I refuse to do it!

You really do look as captivating as ever though. Aside from avoiding crop rotation, how do you stay in shape?
First, there is no silicone on me. And I try to eat potato chips five times a week. The thing is that I'm a naturally nervous person, so I'm always bouncing my leg or something. Some part of me is always moving.

And you've got one particular part of me moving, Judy. Back in the '80s, I had two big celebrity crushes, one was on you and the other was on Elvira.
Ha! Cassandra (Peterson, who plays Elvira) is a good friend of mine. I'll have to tell her that. She and I wanted to do a pilot for Showtime a few years ago called More Than Friends. We were going to play roommates who were . . . More Than Friends! Get it? But then her mom came to visit and she had a problem with it. So we missed out. Now Showtime is all about The L Word. Men love that, don't you?

This man loves it.
If your girlfriend was going to do that, you'd like it, right?

Oh, righty-oh! And I don't even have to see it. I just like to hear about it.
Ha! You know, it always starts with a massage. Two ladies in a locker room after a hard workout . . . ha-ha!

What about other people's nude scenes in movies? Do any stick out in your mind?
There's this movie with Debra Winger (Picture: 1) and John Malkovich that moved really slow . . .

The Sheltering Sky?
That's it! And there's a scene wear Debra Winger takes off her pants and I was like, "Girl, trim that valley!" She had a forest down there!

Her hairpie was sheltering her thighs in The Sheltering Sky.
Yes! And there's another movie where this incredibly great actress--it was Miranda Richardson (Picture: 1), in the movie Damage. She got naked and all I could think was, "Maybe men will like to see her naked." I just focused on what a great actress she is.

What about nude scenes that you yourself enjoyed.
Everybody made fun of it, but I thought the lapdance in Showgirls was really sexy. I watched it and thought: That was really hot! That was the best. I also liked Sharon Stone (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) in Basic Instinct. And Jennifer Connelly. Wait--am I now a lesbian? I like men!

You do have a huge following among, as you call them, "lesbetarians and butt pirates." Why do you think that is?
I am larger than life. I'm very campy. I wear colorful outfits that the queens love to imitate. In fact, I went to Pride in Minnesota and there were five Judy Tenuta drag queens in front of me. And, you know, when I started I had black hair and now it's kind of red, so one queen was me with the black hair and another was me with the red. I loved it!

I also address gay issues. There should be gay marriage, and you shouldn't have to travel to, like, Canada for it. You should be able to do it right in San Fran-Crisco! My mom was so sweet recently when she said, "I don't want anything bad to happen to those little gay people."

Who's hotter--Emo Philips or Weird Al Yankovic?
That's a good question. It's a toss-up! For the more mature thinker, it's Emo. For the younger and more hyper, Al is always bouncing around.

Rumor has it that you're a regular at the Playboy Mansion. True?
Yes! I go there all the time! I was just there for Hef's birthday on April 10th. It's tamer than you might think, but it's really fun, especially for men to see Hef. He has his own harem. They're all cookie-cutter blondes and what they're actually doing is holding him up! Three years ago I was at a party and Hef actually needed an oxygen tank! It was hilarious to see this Creator of Modern Sex like that.

The Mansion also has all these dancers that wear spray-on lingerie. I thought that was pretty cool.

Any funny celebrity sightings at the Mansion?
A few years ago, Mini-Me [Verne Troyer] showed up with his six-foot girlfriend. She was so tall that she couldn't hold his hand even if she bent down. And all the other girls there were swarming all over Mini-Me, like ten at a time. So his girlfriend got really mad and she picked him up and put him in her purse! Really! And she carried him out, kicking and screaming! I was there with my boyfriend at the time--he's now an ex-pig--and we couldn't believe it!

And one of the first times I ever went to the Mansion, about seven years ago, Anna Nicole Smith was there. I was talking to her and she just suddenly took off all her clothes and jumped in the pool--you know, those "grottos" they have all over the place. And back then she was so fat that they couldn't get her out! So these two security guards who were struggling to lift her just gave up, took their clothes off, and the three of them had their own pool party!

I also met Kevin Spacey there, and I saw Ben Affleck and George Clooney--God, he was good and hot! And I've had a great time at the mansion with Drew Carey and Weird Al. But I'm sure you'd rather hear about my seeing Alyssa Milano and Charlize Theron (Picture: 1). Has she ever been naked?

Oh yes! Our favorite is in The Devil's Advocate, where she goes full frontal.
Do the drapes match the carpet?

They're close.
Somebody must have worked on her, then. You know who else I saw at the Mansion who was a bit sloppy? Tori Spelling. She has eyes on each side of her head like an exotic fish.

Do you have any thoughts on other celebrities of today?
Yeah, Michael Jackson--put on pants and lose the lip gloss! You're on trial! Wear pants!

And that Angelina Jolie is a petri dish! She's like a lip with legs. She reminds me of that Uniroyal tire commercial with the baby, because you could stick your kid right in the middle of her mouth.

What else goes on in the world of Judyism?
I'm Husband Hunting. And you know how I can tell if a guy is under thirty? If he's wearing one of those nasty knit caps. It's the same way a guy can tell if a girl is under thirty if she has one of those target tattoos right above her butt crack--those things that sort of look like the Batman logo that guys can aim at and do some creative writing.

What about any projects?
I'm working on a reality show. I was just shooting it in Chicago--in the Rush Street area, which I call the Viagra Triangle. I had fun dancing with all those studsicles. I'm also putting out a compilation CD called "Buy This Again, Pigs." And I have a small but pivotal role in the upcoming Hilary Duff film Material Girls. I play a crazy cat lady. Ironically, I'm scared of cats, but the cats in this movie had their own trainers. So you should always have trainers for cats. Tell the pigs to groom their cats!

And we'll tell Debra Winger to groom her pussy.
That too! Ha!



All photos of Judy Tenuta courtesy of JudyTenuta.com