Linda, Bare

By James Hollis Smith

Every aging child star tries to bridge the gap from adorable moptop to sultry sexbomb, but no one has made the leap with the grace, sex appeal--or dairy dirigibles--that Linda Blair has. In William Friedkin's masterpiece The Exorcist (1973), lovely Linda turned heads [including her own!] with her demonically deranged portrayal of Regan, a possessed youth. But once Linda became legal, the newly busty Blair became an obsession for a legion or horny new fans. With a feverish T&A exploitation career that included roles playing imprisoned jailbait, horny coeds, gang members, ditsy police women, and titillating teachers, Ms. Blair never ran out of new ways to dress up--and then dress down--her award-worthy curves. Linda's real-life role in the '80s as Rick James's main squeeze gave her the indisputable allure of a super freak, as fans imagined the closed-door smoking of her mary-janes! Mr. Skin now takes you on a fantastic voyage as we sail the pea-soup-colored sea that is Linda's carnal-coated career.

Roller Boogie (1979)
Linda started coming out of her sober shell in Sarah T. - Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic (1975) and came to terms with her possessed past in Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977), but it wasn't until the twenty-year-old babe slid her newfound curves into her spandex outfits in Roller Boogie that men everywhere noticed Linda as a full-figured sexbomb. In the holy-rolling flick, Linda plays a flutist whose scholarship to Juilliard is on hold while she "roller boogies" the night away with her skin-flute of a love-interest boyfriend. Unfortunately for lusty Linda, the mob is trying to take over the local roller rink, so her legwarmer days and leotard nights are numbered. Can't the mafia leave us just one roller rink that's legit? A word to the wise: Watch this flick with the sound off, Rick James on the hi-fi, and the lotion within reach. Boogie on, Linda!

Hell Night (1981)
A group of goofy college students have to spend the night in a big, scary "haunted house". And the originality doesn't end there, film fans. There's a costume ball, death by fornication, fence impalement, and even one of the Van Patten kids. Sadly, Hell Night was made before Linda realized that no one wanted to see her act with her clothes on, so there's nary a glimpse of her pulchritudinous appendages, but her cleavage heaving throughout ensures that it's Heaven Night for viewers and killers alike. There's a big, scary mutant guy--who is right out of a Scooby Doo episode--chasing the kids around the house with all the balance of a billy goat on roller skates. Luckily Linda's plunging neckline survives the film intact, save for a few (gloriously bouncy) close calls.

Chained Heat (1983) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Finally! Chained Heat marked the screen debut of Linda's titanically talented ta-tas. Yes, they're spectacular and round and wet and soapy, but Chained Heat is a pretty good film as well. Lesbian sex, race riots, shower scenes, crack addiction, corrupt wardens, rapist guards, prostitution--what else do you want for your three-dollar movie rental? Video-box-cover icon Sybil Danning, Stella Stevens, and Louisa Moritz are on hand to shoulder some of the sex-symbol weight, and John Vernon and Henry Silva are on hand to lend their usual air of Caucasian credibility. But let's not forget this movie's calling card: the shower scene where Linda first unleashed her Reganettes on a panting public.

Savage Streets (1984) (Picture: 1 - 2)
The title of Savage Streets ain't no lie. When street punks rape and murder Linda's mute kid sister, played by T&A legend Linnea Quigley, Linda takes to the streets armed with a crossbow and bear traps looking to even the score. Although she's laughable when talking tough in the ghetto--wearing garb that makes her look like a Flashdance extra--Linda is delicious in a bathtub scene that displays not just her delectable D-cups but her curvy hips as well. This film marks another appearance of the pre-Animal House John "Dean Wormer" Vernon, who is great as Linda's principal. Based on her appearance in Savage Streets and the flicks that are to follow, it's obvious Linda's agent didn't put her career on extra-secret probation.

Night Patrol (1984) (Picture: 1 - 2)
"Hey, I know, let's give The Unknown Comic (Murray Langston) his own movie! And we'll make him a cop and have him fall in love with a fellow cop, played by, I dunno, Linda Blair!" Oh, to have been a fly on the wall for that meeting of the film moguls. Night Patrol isn't a bad flick. It's machine-gun humor in the Airplane! style, featuring everyone from the sublime Billy Barty to the ridiculous Andrew Dice Clay. We even get a topless, toke-happy hippy played by Russ Meyer mam-goddess Kitten Natividad! The director obviously saved the best for last, though; that's when we get a bedroom scene where luscious Linda slips the sheets and reveals her teats. Does anyone have a crucifix handy?

Red Heat (1985) (Picture: 1)
After a few different genre forays, it became obvious that filmgoers wanted to see Linda behind bars--with all the showering, lesbianism, and violence that goes with it. Linda's second Heat movie is a bit of an upgrade over the first, star-power wise, as it's set against a European backdrop and she's teamed with Emmanuelle legend Sylvia Kristel--who gives Linda a tongue-lashing she'll never forget. Brutal interrogations, rape, deprivation, humiliation, you name it--it's here! Of course, Sylvia isn't the only one who covets Linda's Laplanders. There's a big shower-trolling Alpha-dyke who can't resist those cold-blooded casabas and tries to make Ms. Blair her own personal bidet. Don't pick up that soap, Linda. Trust us.

Nightforce (1987)
After steaming up the early '80s with some of cinema's most salacious shower scenes and sexiest sack wrestling, lovely Linda decided to take a break from nudie-cutie roles. She tried her hand again at the action genre, playing opposite James Van Patten (Not the Van Patten from Hell Night, but the Van Patten from Roller Boogie!) and--outside of posing for the photo on the video box cover--she doesn't have much to do. That's because the skintillating nudity in the flick is provided by the always-delectable Claudia Udy (of Joy [1983] fame). The Udy cutie is kidnapped, semi-nude and sexy as hell, so what exactly is Linda here for? This may have been the movie that made Linda reassess her decision to nix nude scenes, as her next few films will show.

Bedroom Eyes II (1990) (Picture: 1 - 2)
For about fifteen minutes in 1990, Linda Blair was Shannon Tweed. Those precious moments were well documented in the softcore throwaway Bedroom Eyes II. We know what you're thinking and, yes, Bedroom Eyes II has nothing at all to do with the previous Bedroom Eyes, except possibly budget-wise. This flick is directed by former porn director Chuck Vincent and is notable for featuring Linda at her most amorous. Her character actually wants to have sex in this one! Wings Hauser (earmuffs, Cole!) stars as a sex-addled fuck-toy torn between Linda Blair and Kathy Shower. Aww, poor guy. Linda and Kathy must have gotten along just fine in real life, though, as they obviously shared a large supply of hair spray. Former stud-sword swallower Veronica Hart is also onboard with a few of Chuck Vincent's other repertory regulars to flesh out the carnal company. Bedroom Eyes III, anyone?

Zapped Again! (1990) (Picture: 1)
Great sequels? Let's see... Godfather 2, The Empire Strikes Back, Zapped Again! What's so funny? I suppose you could come up with a better premise than a high-school boy gaining telekinetic powers that he uses to remove hot girls' clothes, turning him into some sort of carnal Carrie? Linda has a sexy role as home-ec teacher Miss Mitchell, but she's got the body to teach us more about biology. While she bends over at the stove, we're treated to a full-blown up-skirt view that shows off the horror star's horrifyingly sexy boo!ty. Filmed in 1989, this retread titillater wasn't released on video until 1993--a real mark of quality. Though lacking the charm [and Chachi!] of the original, Zapped Again! will keep us happy as long as our "Willie Aames" at Linda.

Fatal Bond (1992) (Picture: 1)
Linda plays a hairdresser in Fatal Bond, which is probably why she never had bigger hair than in this muddled murder-mystery m?nge. There's nothing much new here. You've got a listless Linda, a mysterious sexy stranger, a corpse, and other hallmarks of naughty noir that give this flick that "2AM on Skinemax" feel. Speaking of which, this flick features one of Linda's best topless turns. While riding on top of a guy cowgirl-style, Linda's character is so lost in passion that one of her negligee straps slowly slides off her shoulder--until one entire breast is revealed. There's something very sexy about a single breast coming out to play, and the director really, umm, milks it in this scene. And who can blame him? This is the last morsel we got--and we've been waiting thirteen years! Want to see more Blair nudity? You'd better date Linda to get it!