By Viola Boosh
Breasts, tits, udders, jugs, hooters, melons, milkers, pontoons, party hats . . . you get the picture. And actually, scratch "party hats," as that term (of endearment) typically denotes female chest protrusions of high, tight, and relatively tiny dimensions.
This article addresses party hats' big sisters: bra-bursting, spine-straining, surgically unenhanced über-boobies.
We all have our favorites. The following 13 are at the very top of Mr. Skin's class.
Dairy Queen: Elvira
Nip-Name: Bats in the Bra-Free
Skinormous Pick: The Working Girls (1973) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Vampire vixen Elvira is the undisputed queen of Halloween, a vision of mighty pumpkins packed into a slinky black dress and topped with a bouffant stacked high enough to touch a full moon. And moon is what you'll do over Elvira's gothic gazongas, so prepare to grow palms like the Wolf-Man as this living-dead lust bomb has you jacking your lantern! Elvira is no tricks—all teat!
Dairy Queen: Laura Antonelli
Nip-Name: Italian Alps
Skinormous Pick: Secret Fantasy (1971) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Whenever Mr. Skin is asked "Who's a movie sex queen I may not have heard of but I need to know about" the World's Foremost Authority on Nudity in film is quick to answer: Laura Antonelli. This daughter of Italy scaled the heights of skinternational stardom in the 1970s like a mega-mammaried Mussolini, starring largely (and, oh, so largely) in European bedroom farces. For all her comic grace, however, Laura's heat has never been a laughing matter. Her gargantuan Gius-eppelins are as breathtaking as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and as volcanic as the last days of Pompeii. You want to talk spicy meatballs? Laura's good for way more than a mouthful, every time.
Dairy Queen: Jennifer Connelly
Nip-Name: Oscar's Golden Globes
Skinormous Pick: The Hot Spot (1990) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Bombastically buxom brunette Jennifer Connelly kicked off her career as a child star in cult favorites such as splatter maven Dario Argento's Phenomena (1985) and opposite David Bowie in Labyrinth (1986). She then grew up—and way, way out—to be so breast-intensively beautiful that by her late teens it was impossible to discuss Jennifer without bringing up her mighty jugs. Fortunately Jennifer brought those flesh boulders out relatively early on in her career, and with rollicking regularity. Director Dennis Hopper's modern noir The Hot Spot remains Miss Connelly's casaba-baring turn to beat (off to), but her double-anal-dildo turn in Requiem for a Dream (2000) (Picture: 1) also has its backers. And fronters. Jen took home a Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for A Beautiful Mind (2001), but eternal accolades must go to her breast-supporting undergarments. Talk about a beautiful bind.
Dairy Queen: Uschi Digard
Nip-Name: Swedish Meat Balloons
Skinormous Pick: The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Mooshy . . . swooshy . . . gooshy . . . Uschi! Emerging from Sweden like a double-barreled onslaught of endless, over-the-top(less) great fun, Uschi Digard reigns as the definitive superhumanly über-stacked drive-in-movie goddess. Maven of all things mammary Russ Meyer naturally latched on to Uschi with both hands and cast her in some of his most enduring homages to the overdeveloped female upper anatomy. Uschi also turns up (and on) in the first two (and best) Ilsa (Picture: 1) movies, the 3-D Prison Girls (1972) (Picture: 1), and more insanely entertaining vintage B-movie blowouts than you could shake her watermelons at. Ironically, Uschi's most mam-orable screen moment is one that few even know is her: Ms. Digard's dirigibles are the soaped-up wonder udders that get giddily pounded against the shower glass during the "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble" segment of the midnight-movie perennial The Kentucky Fried Movie.
Dairy Queen: Eva Green
Nip-Name: Eyeful Towers
Skinormous Pick: The Dreamers (2003) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Forget 007, the secret weapon of the recent James Bond adventure Casino Royale (2006) were the DD-36s stuffed in the bra of protuberant-in-the-torso Parisian pastry Eva Green. Prior to engaging in high-stakes poker with the world's most renowned secret agent, Eva created a (pants) stir worldwide in director Bernardo Bertolucci's 2003 tribute to radical French students of the 1960s. In keeping with the wild-swinging, free-loving, anything-goes (off) tenor of those times, Eva repeatedly peels down to reveal her unbelievably buoyant bo-bos, fluffy muff, and gourmet seat meat. The Dreamers skinstantly turns all boob fanatics who see it into creamers.
Dairy Queen: Pam Grier
Nip-Name: Brown Bombers
Skinormous Pick: Coffy (1973) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): The most bad-ass blacktress to ever kick, stomp, punch, and/or boogie-oogie-oogie her way across a grindhouse theater screen, African-American eyeful Pam Grier is a two-tiered assault of luminous sensuality and explosively sexy action. Whether playing a prison inmate in a contemporary jungle hellhole, an Amazon gladiator in ancient Rome, or a wronged sister out for dynamite revenge in any number of American inner cities, Pam is never less than electrifying, and her must-be-ogled-for-hours-to-be-believed chocolate milk bazookas are even more lethal than Ms. Grier's roundhouse kicks . . . or even her velvety smooth, perfectly round butt cheeks. Wham! Bam! Thank you, Pam!
Dairy Queen: Mimi Rogers
Nip-Name: Ex-Cruise Missiles
Skinormous Pick: Full Body Massage (1995) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): First Mimi Rogers married Tom Cruise. That's how the world was introduced to this dark-haired beauty with glowing eyes and a warm smile. Then Mimi divorced Tom and took her top off on camera. And forever after the frisky business in her shirt was sure to put a top gun in your pants. Mimi has posed for Playboy and stripped notably a number of times, but never with more spectacular results than in Full Body Massage. It's essentially one long 90-minute nude scene for a woman of impossibly perfect voluptuousness, in which she is oiled up, rubbed down, and worked over by the owner of the luckiest goddamned mitts in the history of show business, Bryan Brown. Even though we are happy to accept Massage as Mimi's finest hour (and a half), she stunned all comers anew by going flamboyantly full frontal in the 2004 drama The Door in the Floor (Picture: 1). Mountain-chested Mimi will never fail to floor you.
Dairy Queen: Sharon Kelly
Nip-Name: Red Top's Pink Peaks
Skinormous Pick: The Dirty Mind of Young Sally (1970) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Boasting bright blue eyes and flame-colored curtains to match her deliciously inviting orange lap drapes, rack-tastically robust redhead Sharon Kelly starred in a vast array of '70s-era B-movie subgenres. Among them: hicksploitation (Sassy Sue), sleazy crime potboilers (A Scream in the Streets) (Picture: 1), and zany comedies (Alice Goodbody), along with boner fide classics such as Coffy and Supervixens. Along with her fellow suck-sack-siren honoree Ushi Digard, Sharon also appears in the first two Ilsa (Picture: 1) outrages. Later in life, Sharon made the leap to hardcore under the nom-de-poon Colleen Brennan, but her rolling Irish hills remain most intoxicating from her days as a D-cup drive-in diva sextraordinaire.
Dairy Queen: Lorna Maitland
Nip-Name: Lorna Dunes
Skinormous Pick: Mudhoney (1965) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): The woman parts that made Russ Meyer famous, Lorna Maitland ignited a softcore revolution in the title role of the Duke of Knockers' black-and-white-and-boobsy-all-over globe-spanning smash Lorna (1964). The first of Meyer's Mamazons, Lorna went on to top(less) billing in his full-bodied follow-ups Mudhoney (1965) and Mondo Topless (1966) (Picture: 1) before making a few more low-budget romps and retiring with the knowledge that her humungous hooters forever altered human history—for the breast!
Dairy Queen: Mathilda May
Skinormous Pick: Lifeforce (1985) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): As "Spacegirl" in fright filmmaker Tobe Hooper's bloodsuckers-from-outer-space fave Lifeforce, French dish Mathilda May makes an immediate, indelible impression, all without uttering a word in her irresistible accent. She's naked, you see. Completely. And she wants to get close to you—as close as the enormous orbs on her torso allow. Sure, she wants to drain the titular essence from your being, but what a way to go—and come! After Lifeforce, Mathilda's nudity career remained remarkable, (twin) peaking again in the breast-obsessed 1994 Italian comedy The Tit and the Moon (Picture: 1). Here, Mathilda two-ups even the outrageousness of Spacegirl by shooting milk from her nipples like geysers and stuffing some lucky little punk's maw full of her luscious lacto monsters.
Dairy Queen: Chesty Morgan
Nip-Name: Chesty Morgan (there's just no topping that!)
Skinormous Pick: Deadly Weapons (1973) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Seventy-three inches around and requiring a bra cup beyond the measuring capability of any known alphabet, Chesty Morgan is the (double) stuff of myth, mystery, and maniacal masturbation. With a name like Chesty and a chest like Fat Man and Little Boy combined on each side, Ms. Morgan anatomically exploded into instant sexploitation legend via two films from crackpot grindhouse mama Doris Wishman: Deadly Weapons (1973) and Double Agent 73 (1974) (Picture: 1). She plays a secret agent in each who has a camera implanted in her breast, which she activates by pinching her nipples. Does it make for a pretty picture? Always . . . pretty fuckin' incredible, every time.
Dairy Queen: Kelly Preston
Skinormous Pick: Mischief (1985) (Picture: 1)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Prior to being Mrs. John Travolta, flaxen vixen Kelly Preston was breast known for the finest single-girl full-frontal moment in the annals of teen sex comedies. It happens 59 minutes into Mischief, when 1950s good girl Kelly strips nude for a dude in her high-school bedroom and reveals a body that is all kinds of full-grown—and unshaven—woman. Since then, Kelly's shared her swellies with us on multiple occasions, and it's always a hoot to get a load of her bodacious boob-boob-boob-boob-boob-a-reenos.
Dairy Queen: Sara Rue
Nip-Name: The Ruesome Twosome
Skinormous Pick: Gypsy 83 (2001)
The Not-Skinny (Where It Counts): Succulently soft-bodied redhead Sara Rue is most familiar from the ABC sitcom Less Than Perfect, but she is forever beloved by devotees of Reubenesque delights (like Mr. Skin) for proving that she is far more than perfect in the 2001 indie-rock drama Gypsy 83 (Picture: 1). As a rebel soul traveling to New York to worship Fleetwood Mac babe Stevie Nicks at a (real life) happening known as "Night of a Thousand Stevies," Sara is all glammed-up gumption and plus-size sex appeal. After an hour of teasing, Sara busts out her humongous milk-white, rose-tipped titanics and we're sunk. That tremendous treasure chest is worth diving for!
The Dirty Mind of Young Sally
The Door in the Floor
Double Agent 73
Full Body Massage
The Hot Spot
The Kentucky Fried Movie
Requiem for a Dream
A Scream in the Streets
The Tit and the Moon
The Working Girls
Less Than Perfect
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