Patton Oswalt: The Mr. Skin Interview

What's the first nude scene you ever came across?
The first nude scene I remember seeing was Barbara Hershey in Boxcar Bertha. I was staying with my grandparents in Arizona and they had a really early version of Home Box office. This was back when HBO only showed, like, three movies over and over again every day. So that's how I saw Barbara Hershey's boobs and another nude scene in the movie Carny with Jodie Foster and Gary Busey. The first nude scene I saw in a theater was in Excalibur. I recently shot a scene in the movie Calendar Girls with [Excalibur co-star] Helen Mirren. I told her, "Excalibur was the first R-rated movie I ever saw." She laughed and asked me, "Oh, did you enjoy my breasts?" I said, "Yes, I did. Very much." God, she was and is still so hot.

How about the first movie that made you feel all kinds of uncomfortable in the way that, you know, guys now pay our web-site to recreate for them?
That's got to be Village of the Giants, when the guy is climbing on Joy Harmon's breasts. I think I was seven when I saw that, so I didn't even understand why I was so turned on. The first time I fully understood what was going on is a tie between Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places and Jenny Agutter in An American Werewolf in London. Jamie Lee Curtis getting topless in Trading Places is one of the top five nude scenes in the history of the movies. Good Lord in Heaven.

Who was the first actress on whom you had a crush? Did you ever do anything cute/goofy/borderline-unsavory like write fan letters or compile a scrapbook?
I had a crush on Kim Hunter in Escape From Witch Mountain, and later Jodie Foster in Freaky Friday and Candlewick or Candleshoe or some such bullshit Disney flick. In my teens, it was Elisabeth Shue in Karate Kid, forever and always. And I was too paralyzed by love to do anything about any of these crushes.

Your passion for lasses of the Emerald Isle is world-renowned.
It is?

Indubitably. Please elaborate for a moment on this enthusiasm. And does it extend to movie stars? Who are the hottest Irish starlets? Are there any you particularly fancy that have not crossed over to Hollywood?
Irish girls are just so fucking self-sufficient. They truly do not need you, which is a crushing turn-on. They can be sweet, but if you cross them, they will cut you straight out of their heart with nary a tear. You have to deserve them. Plus, they all have massive Catholic guilt issues, which makes them self-loathing fuck-pistons. The more oppressive the religion, the harder the girls raised under it will fuck. I imagine Muslim girls can break a man's back with their labias.Now that I think of it, I don't know of any specific Irish actresses that I have a thing for. In fact, I don't think the qualities of Irish-ness have ever been fully captured on film. When it happens, I'll know.

Have you ever been bored (or experienced any other atypical reactions) by female nudity in a movie or on TV?
Yeah. Most hardcore porn is dull. Fuck, even softcore sucks. Any females with any kind of augmentations are also a colossal bummer. I think nudity in films has lost a lot of its appeal since the late '80s, probably due to the mania for extreme, fruit-bat-style thinness. What happened to the fleshy look of the '60s? The bikini-clad babes doing the frug in the background of any Frankie and Annette beach flick are ten times more boner-inducing than Christina Aguilera.

The following is a true story about a friend of mine (and it really is my friend and not me, as I'd love to have this particular bragging right). In 1983, our local third-run movie theater charged 83-cents admission. The week that they booked Porky's, my pal timed exactly when the shower scene would be onscreen, paid his 83 cents, settled in, put his winter coat on his lap and whipped up his own brand of decidedly non-dairy popcorn topping. Then he fixed his zipper and left. He did this seven days in a row. Have you ever gone to any such elaborate lengths to make love to a motion picture?
The scene at the beginning of Russ Meyer's Super Vixens, when Christy Hartburg boogies towards the payphone has caused me to do some real Mission:Impossible-style wank-off moves. Christy, Christy - where in the hell did you go?

Who do you consider history's all-time most attractive actresses?
Christy Hartburg. Also, Elizabeth Shue, Ella Raines, Christina Ricci, Kate Winslet, Dorothy Provine, Reese Witherspoon, Thora Birch and Simone Simon. There's also a German pin-up model named Nadine Jansen who I think is the second coming of Christy Hartburg.

What are your five favorite nude scenes of all time?
Trading Places. Uma Thurman in Dangerous Liasions. Jayne Mansfield whipping off her towel in Promises! Promises!. Linnea Quigley's graveyard dance in Return of the Living Dead. And Joy Harmon washing the car in Cool Hand Luke, which technically isn't a nude scene, but it has such a seismic effect, it may as well be one. "Lord, don't strike me blind!"

Is there any circumstance under which you'd perform a nude scene?
A threesome with Christy Hartburg and Kate Winslet, where you don't see any of me naked? Sure.