Physical Education:

By Prof. C. G. Hilliardy

As the carefree paradise of summer makes way for the bummer of fall, teachers and students return to the hallowed halls of learning.

But we at MrSkin.com submit that the end of summer vacation doesn't have to mean the end of covert sexual trysts and boast-worthy conquests, because sometimes the math teacher in the low-cut blouse is more willing than anyone would suspect to supply her teenage students with erotic diversions that no inexperienced high-school girl could ever provide.

It is in this spirit that we present a survey of some of the most notable skinematic depictions of that sweet forbidden fruit that sends school superintendents into a panic-teacher-student sex.

Madchen in Uniform (1931)
Learning Curves: Dorothea Wieck, Hertha Thiele
The Skinny: In Madchen in Uniform, Hertha Thiele plays a rebellious teenager named Manuela who is sent to be straightened out at an all-girl's academy whose disciplinary tactics may well have provided a model for the future Gestapo. Feeling oppressed, Manuela finds herself drawn to one of her more free-spirited teachers, Elizabeth von Bernberg (Dorothea Wieck), and the lesbianic sparks start to fly. The makeout scenes between these two Teutonic rug-munchers were hot enough to melt the celluloid it was printed on. The film was censored in Germany until the 1970s and was banned in America until widely suspected lady-loving first lady Eleanor Roosevelt pushed for it to be released.

The Cheerleaders (1973)
Learning Curves: Denise Dillaway (Picture: 1 - 2), Kimberly Hyde, Terri Teague
The Skinny: The Cheerleaders is a rah-rah-raw classic that features not one but two scenes of teacher-student sex that could have any boy scout pitching a tent. First, busty brunette beauty Denise Dillaway goes deep for a long bomb with the middle-aged Coach Gannon. But it's not just the middle-aged male faculty members who lust after the nubile cheerleaders in this movie, as willowy blonde Kimberly Hyde finds out when she looks down from her rope-climbing exercise to see her hard-bodied gym teacher Miss Fields (Terri Teague) taking the opportunity to cop a feel on Kim's can. Fully nude Sapphic canoodling on a variety of exercise machines ensues.

Private Lessons (1981)
Learning Curve: Sylvia Kristel (Picture: 1)
The Skinny: When Emmanuelle herself (Sylvia Kristel) is hired as his live-in tutor, fifteen-year-old Eric Brown knows he is going to be learning more than French. What he doesn't suspect is that she will take advantage of his sexual inexperience to convince him she has died from a killer orgasm to blackmail him for his trust fund. This is one of the iconic moments in on-screen teacher-student sex, and the movie is worth seeing for that alone. But if you need more convincing, check out Sylvia's Euro-style mams as she sits up in surprise while sunbathing topless by the pool.

Homework (1982)
Learning Curves: Joan Collins
The Skinny: When horny rock 'n' roller Michael Morgan starts cruising the local high school for chicks, he soon realizes that to learn anything about sex, he has to skip the students and go directly to lusty busty teacher Joan Collins. Unfortunately for us, Ms. Collins refuses to show her own work, utilizing a body double for the topless scenes.

My Tutor (1983)
Learning Curves: Caren Kaye (Picture: 1 - 2)
The Skinny: When Matt Lattanzi's dirty old man of a father hires blonde bombshell Caren Kaye to tutor his son, he fully expects to be able to pursue some extracurricular activity with her. Instead Ms. Kaye prefers the company of his son and teaches old dad an important lesson that doesn't come out of any textbook-her tricks are for kids! Watching the skinny-dipping scenes in the pool, we think Caren should have taught swimming with chest buoys that big!

A Night in Heaven (1983)
Learning Curves: Sandra Beall (Picture: 1)
The Skinny: In A Night in Heaven, straight-edge, vegan, tanned, and toned mega-hunk Christopher Atkins appears as a failing community-college student who begins an affair with his married teacher (Sandra Beall) when they meet at the club where he works as a male stripper. Sandra is very impressed with the sight of beefcake Christopher's swinging sausage and decides to go on the all-meat Atkins Diet. Her extracurricular involvement culminates with Ms. Beall taking it all off to expose her teats and cheeks in a steamy shower scene with the young Adonis from The Blue Lagoon. The tutors of Ancient Greece definitely would have approved!

They're Playing with Fire (1984)
Learning Curve: Sybil Danning (Picture: 1 - 2)
The Skinny: Young Eric Brown has graduated from sleeping with his scheming, plotting French tutor in Private Lessons to sleeping with his scheming, plotting college professor (Sybil Danning). The more things change, the more they stay the same, except for the addition in this film of a stalk-and-slash killer eliminating the cast one by one. Fans of sexploitation cinema know Ms. Danning as a statuesque Austrian bombshell who often plays an erotically charged villainess role, and her entrance on screen always means there's a boner waiting in the wings. Playing with fire? Well we're playing with something anyway.

One Eight Seven (1997)
Learning Curve: Karina Arroyave (Picture: 1)
The Skinny: In this take on a well-worn plot outline, Samuel L. Jackson plays a substitute teacher with a dark past who has come to clean up a drug- and gang-infested inner-city school by any means necessary. When he's not being threatened by thugs, he's being tempted by the naked nubile body of troubled student Karina Arroyave, who decides to shed her clothes and recline on his couch in the buff. What's a self-righteous vigilante to do?

Wild Things (1998)
Learning Curves: Denise Richards (Picture: 1 - 2), Neve Campbell
The Skinny: What Private Lessons did for teacher-student sex in the '80s, Wild Things did in the '90s, except this time the teacher and students are plotting together to pull off their complicated scheme. When Neve and Denise cry rape on their high-school guidance counselor, Matt Dillon, it's only the tip of the iceberg as a complicated scheme in which all three are involved (in more ways than one) is revealed. There's no payoff scene quite as satisfying as the initial m?ge-?rois between lucky bastard Dillon and his painfully hot co-conspirators. There are some truly amazing scenes on the syllabus here, including Denise getting champagne poured on her bare tits and making out topless in the pool with Neve. Things are definitely getting wild!

Notes on a Scandal (2006)
Learning Curves: Cate Blanchett
The Skinny: Nowadays, with lad-loving ladies like Mary Kay Letourneau doing hard time for exploitative relationships with their impressionable students, filmmakers have begun to cast a disapproving eye toward student-teacher sex. This is in evidence in the 2006 British film Notes on a Scandal, in which icy blonde Cate Blanchett has a torrid affair with an illiterate fifteen-year-old student named Steven Connolly, who, like David Lee Roth, is hot for teacher and crazy from the heat (of his abusive father and dying mother). Eventually the affair is exposed by Cate's jealous friend, an old busybody played by Judi Dench, and her life is ruined.

From Weimar Republic Germany to twenty-first-century England, the movies have depicted student-teacher sex as sometimes liberating, sometimes self-destructive, and sometimes just for fun. As long as high schools provide environments where hormone-crazed adolescents are in prolonged contact with lecherous and power-mad educators, there will always be opportunities for independent studies in sex education. But for most of us going back to school this fall, private lessons with the hot young history teacher straight out of college won't be a reality, just the fantasy that keeps us from falling asleep during lectures on the Peloponnesian War.