See You Naked Before September, Part One

Pt. 1: The Big Three

By J.R. Taylor

Summer's here, and maybe you're already dreading the end of August and the start of September. If that's the case, you haven't been paying attention to the new network Fall TV schedules. There are plenty of gorgeous gals coming to your living room. Mr. Skin is already getting hot in anticipation -- and you'll be, too, as we begin our look ahead with the original Big Three networks.

The CBS eye will get our third eye winking with some promising new productions, including:

CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE (Picture: 1)
John Goodman owns a security company and has to deal with his whacky family. He won't be able to secure the zippers of any Skinema fan who adores older women, though, since his mom is played by Olympia Dukakis (Picture: 1). This respected actress was last seen doffing her top for a tribal ceremony in Over the Hill (1992). The lovely Jean Smart also shows up for those who prefer MILFs to GrandMILFs.

CLUBHOUSE (Picture: 1)
This hourly show follows the exploits of a Yankee batboy. We'll be swinging our own bats at the sight of quirky beauty Mare Winningham (Picture: 1). It's been a long career for this earthy blonde, but we still have fond memories of St. Elmo's Fire (1985) and her baring bathtub scene in Paul Simon's One Trick Pony (1980) (Picture: 1).

CSI: NEW YORK (Picture: 1)
You may be tired of this forensics franchise, but we'll be carefully examining the bod of Melina Kanakaredes (Picture: 1) for a hint of nudity. The former Providence (Picture: 1) star is co-billed with Gary Sinise, but we have fonder memories of her butt-baring days on NYPD Blue (Picture: 1). Vanessa Ferlito (Picture: 1) adds some Latina flavoring to the forensics fun, and it'll be the most exposure she's gotten since her topless poolside scene in the HBO boxing drama Undefeated (2003) (Picture: 1).

DR. VEGAS
We'll be dropping our pants STAT for this tale of a doctor who works in a casino, but it won't be for leading man Rob Lowe. This series will hopefully provide plenty of stardom for Amy Adams (Picture: 1), whose been teasing us with her titanic delights since her vampish turn in Cruel Intentions 2 (2000) (Picture: 1). She also started a jackpot in our pants when she lost her bikini bottom in the horror spoof Psycho Beach Party (2000) (Picture: 1). The cast also includes Sarah Lancaster, the lovely dancer who's been working regularly as an actress on MTV's Undressed and The WB's Everwood. Sarah also prompted some underwear wood in Lover's Lane (1999), although that could've been a body double's breasts dancing out of that bra.

This is the season that NBC stands for Nothing But Cockteases, as the network brings in the babes to make up for taking away six of our dearest Friends -- by which, of course, we mean the tempting twosomes of Courteney, Jennifer, and Lisa:

JOEY (Picture: 1)
Matt LeBlanc relocates to L.A. for this Friends spin-off, and the producers are doing their best to keep guys watching. This cutie-crammed cast includes Drea de Matteo (Picture: 1), fresh from getting whacked on The Sopranos (Picture: 1). We'll be whacking ourselves to Ashley Scott (Picture: 1), the gorgeous brunette who gave us a cyberchubbie as a futuristic prostitute in Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001).

LAX (Picture: 1)
There's one cast member who'll really get you flying in this behind-the-scenes look at Los Angeles International Airport. Heather Locklear (Picture: 1) returns to the small screen for more big teasing. Let's hope Sweeps seasons comes as quick as the viewers will, and maybe we'll see Denise Richards stopping by to reprise that lesbianic liplock from Spin City (Picture: 1).

MEDICAL INVESTIGATIONS (Picture: 1)
There certainly can't be enough shows about forensic investigations -- especially when this one includes cunning Kelli Williams (Picture: 1). Her own father is a surgeon who really serves the public good as Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. Kelli's been looking pretty natural as a lusty lawyer on The Practice, though, and she showed some relatively revealing toplessness in E=mc2 (1996).

They're firmly in last place, but ABC seems determined to get guys to come first to their new programs. Check out these casts:

THAT"S JUST RODNEY (Picture: 1)
Standup comic Rodney Carrington proves he's no idiot by casting Amy Pietz (Picture: 1) as his co-star. This buxom brunette has brightened up plenty of dreary sitcoms, including a body-bending display in the short-lived sitcom Cursed (Picture: 1). The cast also includes Jennifer Aspen (Picture: 1), the former Party of Five hottie who showed off her Aspen peaks in the unedited version of the TV-movie Sometimes They Come Back... Again (1996).

BLIND JUSTICE (Picture: 1)
Ron Eldard is a blind crimefighter who probably ended up that way because he ignored his mother's advice about pleasuring himself too often to pics of co-star Rena Sofer (Picture: 1). The Coupling cutie rebounds from last year's sitcom disaster, but we were hoping for a Skinematic excursion first. The same goes for Marisol Nichols (Picture: 1), who prompted plenty of eyestrain while clad in a tight white T-shirt in the Chevy Chase comedy Vegas Vacation (1997) (Picture: 1).

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT (Picture: 1)
It may seem a little late for a drama about kids in Seattle, but there's certainly a timeless appeal to star Marguerite Moreau (Picture: 1). She got us spewing as a bloodsucker in Queen of the Damned (2002), and she finally quit her Skinematic slacking with a nude turn in Easy (2003). Marguerite's co-stars are a gorgeous gang of newcomers, too, including Kelly Osbourne for fans of well-rounded gals.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (Picture: 1)
Now, this is our idea of quality television! This comedy/drama is about four housewives with secret lives, and it's a stunning collection of MILFs. Teri Hatcher (Picture: 1) returns to the small screen after showing her big'uns in films such as Heaven's Prisoners (1996) (Picture: 1) -- not to mention that swell catfight with Charlize Theron in 2 Days in the Valley (1996). Former Melrose Place psycho Marcia Cross (Picture: 1) also makes her return to TV after some kinky acts in Female Perversions (1997) (Picture: 1). Felicity Huffman (Picture: 1) returns to ABC after Sports Night, but Skinema fans will remember her best for some torrid toplessness in the Showtime series Out of Order (Picture: 1). The cast even includes Skinema fave Sheryl Lee (Picture: 1). With her kinky turns in This World, Then the Fireworks (1997) (Picture: 1) and Kiss the Sky (1998), we're feeling pretty good about some lusty -- or at least lesbianic -- plotlines here!

FLEET STREET (Picture: 1)
This show picks up the saga of James Spader's character from The Practice, so maybe it's not really a new show. Still, anyone who didn't like the original show may not know that the cast here includes Hollow Man (2000) (Picture: 1) hottie Rhona Mitra (Picture: 1) -- who fanboys still love as the original model for Lara Croft. Rebecca De Mornay also brings some star power to this new project, and we'll be filing our briefs while recalling her wild scenes in And God Created Woman (1988) (Picture: 1) and Never Talk to Strangers (1995) (Picture: 1).

Next Week: The ladies of FOX, UPN, and The WB!