The Incredible Edible Ass

By Peter Landau

There are breast men and leg men, but what of the ass? Some claim that the butt comes part and parcel with the legs, like the fragrant blossom on the end of a curvy stem. Poetic as that may sound, it is ridiculous. The gluteus maximus, as the Romans put it, deserves its own carnal category on this site and in the lexicon of perverts beyond the virtual tease of the World Wide Web. Or as Sir Mix-a-Lot rapped, "I like big butts and I cannot lie."

Oh, there are the derriere detractors. They call it a shitter--and indeed through its puckered brown eye waste is deposited into toilet bowls. Not a sexy sight . . . for most. They say everyone has a bottom and those who enshrine it as a totem of desire are deluded and possibly even closeted homosexuals. Why not just grab some man ass? Well, if there's any question as to the difference between a bulbous female posterior and the hairy crack of some guy then that closet is going to be awfully crowded.

A sexy woman's rear can be like the handlebars of a well-oiled chopper--grab on and enjoy the ride. The ass rocks and rolls beneath its sheath of clothing with the power to hypnotize and arouse. There are ladies whose cheeks slap together as if applauding their own hotness and others who possess rears that bounce, and when one super-seat-meated mama does both . . . heaven! Yes, heaven, because if there's a God He resides in the warm, meaty center of a round tush, fluffy like the clouds the angels rest on. The breasts may nurture youth, but the ass sustains a man into old age.

Consider this a protest. Mr. Skin generously allows users to search for actresses by breast size, but where is the option to seek for the cheeky attributes of the body? Where are the distinctions ass-hungry men demand: small, medium, large, and Big Bertha Butt? For those who still refuse to acknowledge the living end, below is an alphabetically organized list of some of the greatest asses in their hottest scenes found on Mr. Skin.

Maud Adams in Tattoo (1981)
Swedish seat-meat is sure to get your meatballs saucy. Swiss cheesecake Maud adds fetish to her fine behind, which eventually gets inked up. Butt before Bruce Dern doodles all over Maud's gushy tushie, she offers an unadulterated shot of her dimpled dumplings for audiences to diddle their doodles to.

Laura Antonelli in Secret Fantasy (1971)
Here Laura plays the wife of a cellist, but the musician's real talent is that he gets to play the cello-like curves of Laura's note-perfect body. And his instrument is sure to settle on the bottom-heavy rumble that Laura's ass sounds whenever his bow runs across it.

Brigitte Bardot in Contempt (1963)
Brigitte's beauty is usually reserved for her bra-busting bust. It's well deserved, of course, but famed French New Wave director Jean-Luc Godard decided to crack that fa?e here with a movie dedicated to one of the softest and roundest asses in filmdom. Contemptible it is not.

Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks (1986)
In a movie determined to expose the kinky side of life, the necessity of ass is almost redundant. Not that anyone will mind when Kim drops her coat to reveal her kissable keister, which she then shakes to the beat (off) of Randy Newman's "You Can Leave Your Hat On." No wonder they call him randy.

Emmanuelle Beart in La Belle Noiseuse (1992) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Just change one letter of Emmanuelle's last name and she's a beast. She makes beasts of us all when she plays an artist's model modeling buns that are a work of art. In fact, I'd go so far as to say they are a masturbation piece.

Jane Birkin in Je t'aime, moi non plus (1976) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Some funkster said, "Move the ass and the mind will follow." Director--and Jane's Tarzan in real life--Serge Gainsbourg knows a thing or two about fascinating rhythm, being a pop star in his native France. He shares his wife's booty in a close-up that will shake your booty too.

Barbara Bouchet in Amore vuol dir gelosia (1975)
Foreigners have long praised the female hindquarter, so it's no surprise they've highlighted the backsides of their sexports in film as well. They've photographed the pretty potties of beauties such as Barbara so often that they've gotten creative, as in this reflective view of her mirrored mud flaps.

Phoebe Cates in Paradise (1982) (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3)
No movie has a more fitting title than this, for it features that skintacular queen of physical perfection simply known as Phoebe here at Skin Central. While it is her bikini-top reveal in the classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) that is Mr. Skin's favorite clip on the site, this movie offers the rear view. And that's a bit of paradise.

Julie Graham in Preaching to the Perverted (1997)
Julie bends over and takes her punishment like a . . . man, is this scene hot! She's bound to a table and not even naked, but that up-skirt shot of her can is preaching to this pervert. Yes, ma'am, can I have another?

Goldie Hawn in Overboard (1987) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Ass lovers never fear the royal rumps they worship being ghettoized. Butt cheeks smile through primetime TV and even expose themselves in PG-rated fare like this. Goldie's tiger-striped, G-string one-piece gets Kurt Russell's motor running when she bends over and exposes her renowned rear.

Salma Hayek in Wild Wild West (1999)
Butt cleavage never looked wilder than when the trapdoor on Salma's long johns swung open to let the top of her spicy tail float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. You'll be telling your fly to shoo so you can get your hard-on out for a one-handed salute to Salma's sweet meat.

Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut (1999) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Titles can be misleading, and this one is almost criminal if you follow its mistaken advice. No, keep your eyes wide open or risk missing Nicole's taut tush as she gets dressed. First she holsters his tistols, letting the camera linger on her smooth ass. The movie would have been greatly improved if the camera never left.

Nastassja Kinski in Stay as You Are (1978) (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3)
The plot suggests that an aging Casanova may be sleeping with his daughter. It's a moral question, but one easily answered when that child possesses the spankable ass of big-bottomed Nastassja. When she is lying nude on the bed the answer is yes, yes, yes!

Heidi Klum in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 1999 (1999)
Pity the poor pussy lover, he's not able to pick up a mainstream magazine and see his object of desire reproduced in full color on heavy, glossy paper stock. Not so the ass man, who gets a yearly valentine from Sports Illustrated, where hotties like Heidi show off their heinies.

Carole Laure in La Mort d'un bucheron (1973)
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Leave the nuts to Almond Joy, because the mounds definitely belong to Carole. The title of this translates to The Death of a Lumberjack, but you'll be raising wood watching Carole's buttocks on the floor looking like a camel's back. And you'll want to hump her too!

Jennifer Lopez in Love Don't Cost a Thing (Picture: 1 - 2)
If butt boosters have a champion it has to be J-Lo. And on the bastion of buttalicious bounty that is MTV, she constantly delivers. Save the see-through tops at award shows, the bottom line is Jennifer's bottom line in videos like this. Love may not cost a thing, but I've just emptied my account at the sperm bank.

Madonna in Blue in the Face (1995)
Madonna is such a filthy whore that it's easy to forget how arousing she can be with her clothes on. Mel Gorham serves up the skin in this flick, but the Material Girl bends over after delivering a singing telegram. Her red panties are something to sing about.

Ornella Muti in Tales of Ordinary Madness (1983)
They should have called this Tails of Ordinary Madness. When bottomless Ornella stares off at the ocean it's enough to drive one insane.

Julie Newmar in Mackenna's Gold (1969)
Better known as Catwoman from the Batman TV series, Julie really makes audiences purr when she shows off her kitty box in this. She plays a Native American who becomes a Nude American bathing in a stream. That caboose will erect your teepee.

Jaime Pressly in Poison Ivy 3: The New Seduction (1997)
Jaime is the vessel for all of God's goodness. That means from head to stern, especially her stern. She masters any ring she enters, regardless of the state of her undress. Here she's not naked at all, yet the shot of her walking off camera in her underwear is ring-a-ding-dong!

Kira Reed in Cheerleader Ninjas (1998)
Rah, rah, rah! Finally, cheerleaders can defend themselves thanks to the ancient art of assassination. Speaking of ass, Kira flips her skirt during a bedroom routine that is sure to rally the crowd. Cheerleaders have more than pom-poms, you know.

Stefanie Sandrelli in The Key (1983) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Look at Stefania's ass as she lies on the bed and then on her belly. Observe the shapes it makes and the shape it makes in your pants. Ah, that's the key!

Romy Schneider in Innocents with Dirty Hands (1975) (Picture: 1 - 2)
When Romy sunbathes naked on her belly atop a blanket in the grass, the innocents will not be the only ones with dirty hands.

Jane Seymour in Lassiter (1984)
Her hips are narrow but her butt cheeks are a muscular mountain when she rests her head down on the bed. Her co-star appears to be trying to polish his mustache with her rear. But then who wouldn't want to see more of Jane?

Brinke Stevens in The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
The way they're usually presented, you'd think Scream Queens like Brinke are only a set of tits. Oh, how wrong you are. In this early slice of skin from her prolific career, Brinke takes the typical shower scene into steamy territory, leading with her fanny. Don't slumber through this party.

Eleonora Vallone in Carnada (1980)
Eleonora is snorkeling with a guy who thinks she doesn't need her bikini bottoms. He pulls them off and snuggles underwater as a nearby shark's gills take in a whiff of her quiff. Her shiny white ass makes more than that predator want to bite it.

Shannon Whirry in Playback (1996) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Shannon's peach of a pair is sitting on a chair and then gets covered in black panties. That's all, and it's enough to make anyone want to play with her back . . . side.

Kate Winslet in Iris (2001) (Picture: 1 - 2)
She's playing a famous novelist and has the write stuff. Kate takes her ample behind out for a skinny dip, and every guy will want to dip his quill in that ink bottle.

Pia Zadora in Butterfly (1981) (Picture: 1 - 2)
Caterpillars turn into butterflies, and after watching Pia's naked ass as she bathes herself in a tub of water you'll spread your wings too. Forget about where she Pias out of, it's her Zadora that makes Butterfly soar.