13 Naked Satanic Sex Shockers!

McBeardo gave Nekromistress a Mr Skin t-shirt.

Nekromistress made the most of (t)it.

(Thanks to Rotten Cotton for providing NM with such a swell space in which to pop out and pose).

McBeardo has been fixated on a quote from Auric Goldfinger: “Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is Enemy Action."

McBeardo, overall, is more of a Matt Helm booster, but his favorite Bond babes are Lana Wood (Diamonds Are Forever), Eva Green (Casino Royale), Diana Rigg (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service), Sophie Marceau (The World Is Not Enough), and Corinne Clery (Moonraker)

Plus there’s Caroline Munro (The Spy Who Loved Me), but that’s mostly for her affiliation with Joe Spinell in Maniac and The Fanatic.

McBeardo misses Joe Spinell. Every day.

McBeardo prefers Swedish Death Metal to Norwegian Black Metal, but he appreciates how the corpse-painted loons of the latter occasionally beautify their countryside.

McBeardo pits Swedes Ann-Margret, Christina Lindberg and Uschi Digard against Norwegians Julie Ege, Marta Kristen, and Kristen Baker and -- sorry, Vargy -- the edge still goes to the land of lingenberries, Ikea and, again, Uschi’s swooshies and Thriller: A Cruel Picture.

McBeardo’s all-time favorite band is The Butthole Surfers. And his all-time favorite celebrity butthole in a movie is Sherilyn Fenn’s in Two Moon Junction.

McBeardo looks forward, emphatically, to the debut nude scene of Jennifer Carpenter, who plays the titular character’s sister Debra on Dexter, thereby forever rebranding herself as “Debster.” Skinterestingly, she appeared in the skinfuriatingly nudity-free, faux-lesbo secret-agent flick D.E.B.S.

McBeardo is soaking his shorts in gleeful anticipation of a Saw-themed rollercoaster.

McBeardo hails from Brooklyn, New York, and enjoyed summers with his grandparents in scenic Keansburg, New Jersey.

Some naked starlets who hail from the New York City borough that (the real) Ed Norton once so proudly hailed as “the garden spot of the world” include: Marisa Tomei (almost the same age as McBeardo, and went to the high-school McBeardo should have), Debra Messing (with her luscious little chest and an unshaven cooch, she could rename herself “Flatbush”) and Connie Stevens.

Among McBeardo’s naked New-Jersey-born favorites are Sharon Mitchell, Leslie Ackerman, Ruby LaRocca, and Merci Montello.

In college, McBeardo got flipped off by fellow SUNY Purchase student Parker Posey, just for staring at her adorable nipples poking hard against the thermal underwear shirt she was wearing.

Try electrical tape, honey -- it's worked for Wendy O. Williams and Meg McCarville! Plus, dear Parker, look where Wendy and Meg are today, and where you are! Listen to McBeardo, dear.

Halifax nuns attended to McBeardo at Our Lady Help of Christians grammar school in Brooklyn.

The Society of Jesus then took over at Xavier High School in Manhattan.

His religious affiliation has subsequently shifted … southern, Lord.

Bearing this in your horned head, McBeardo worships the following.

13 Naked Satanic Sex Shockers

(In satanically shocking alphabetical order)

THE ANTICHRIST (1974)
NUDES: Carla Gravina, Anita Strindberg
THE SATANIC SKINNY: In 1978, I saw a commercial for this movie under the title The Tempter. It aired on New York’s channel 5 around 3am, and I was at my Auntie Ruth’s House on Avenue P. That made for a fitting setting, as I nearly P’d my pajama pants.

When I finally saw this toad-decapitating, goat-anus-licking mind-rape in proper Antichrist form, it lived up to wiggy-scary promise of the commercial, plus it contained the best naked-lady-satanic-ritual I’d witnessed up until that time, not including the gatefold of Coven’s Witchraft Destroys Minds and Reaps Souls LP.

BLOOD ON SATAN’S CLAW (1970)
NUDES: Linda Hayden, Wendy Padbury
THE SATANIC SKINNY: Blood on Satan’s Claw was a ’70s Saturday afternoon favorite on WPIX-TV (channel 11) and I had no idea just how fur-ociously awesome a movie it really was until I joined MrSkin.com. That happened after the great man’s first Howard Stern show appearance in March 2000. I made love to Satan’s Claw, then, well before April 2000.

DAUGHTERS OF SATAN (1972)
NUDES: Barra Grant, Tani Guthrie
THE SATANIC SKINNY: Wicked title, wondrously round and hefty boobs from Barra Grant, and the object of a swell bit from co-star Tom Selleck on Letterman in the ’90s, as he campaigned with bumper stickers and coffee mugs to “Re-Release Daughters of Satan!”

DEMON RAGE a.k.a. SATAN’S MISTRESS (1981)
NUDE: Lana Wood
THE SATANIC SKINNY: If you think I’m an enthusiast of repulsive amusements now, just imagine when I was 14.

The cover image alone guaranteed that Demon Rage would be one of the very first VHS tapes I’d rent (in fact, I conned my mother into joining a store over in Marine Park specifically because they had this movie).

My friend Vito was almost always right there with me (often on a couch with a boat-sized Tupperware of Barbecue Ruffles between us), but for some reason, he took enormous offense at the prospect of Demon Rage’s plot. For some reason, he was also aghast over Miquel Brown's disco hit “So Many Men, So Little Time.” These things happen.

THE DEVIL’S WEDDING NIGHT (1973)
NUDE: Rosalba Neri
THE SATANIC SKINNY: In my mind, this film’s truthful alternate title would be Any Wedding Night. Rosalba Neri getting her sweet nipples lesbian-sucked does add to the enticement of matrimony, though. Thank the Opposite of God, it’s only a movie.

EXORCISM (1974)
NUDES: Lynn Monteil, , Lina Romay, Monica Swinn
THE SATANIC SKINNY: For having such a questionable first-name, filmmaker Jesus Franco looms huge among the giants of occult skinema. Some might cite Franco’s love of the zoom lens, others might point out how his mental derangement comes through with such enjoyably palpable force on screen, but for me, it’s all about his naked Euro-beauties. And they are rarely more beautiful -- or vaginal -- than they are in Exorcism.

NUDE FOR SATAN (1970)
NUDES: Rita Calderoni, Iolanda Mascitti
THE SATANIC SKINNY: It’s fun to call this movie by its original Italian title, Nude Para Satan, and really roll the “r” in the middle of “para.” It’s more fun to polish your horn to the Roman anti-goddesses who get exactly what the name describes.

SATAN’S CHEERLEADERS (1977)
NUDE: Kerry Sherman
THE SATANIC SKINNY: Satan’s Cheerleaders figured as a another channel 5 favorite, airing usually in the dead of night (where I also caught The Pom-Pom Girls for the first time), as well as memorably substituting once in 1982 for the standard kung-fu flick on the Saturday afternoon “Drive-In Movie” series.

Its original posters touted Satan’s Cheerleaders as being “Funnier than The Omen, Scarier than Blazing Saddles.” Director Greydon Clark also helmed grindhouse eye-poppers on the excellent order of Joysticks, Wacko, and Black Shampoo. The satanic rites practiced onscreen can easily recreated by any curious youngsters who catch sight of them, some of whom may have grown up to be these ladies.

I share all this good stuff in order for you to understand my ringing endorsement of Satan’s Cheerleaders, despite only one of them actually busting out her pom-poms.

SATAN'S BABY DOLL (1982)
NUDES: Jacqueline Dupré, Mariangela Giordano, Marina Hedman
THE SATANIC SKINNY: Another entry from the Country of the Pope that’s a hoot to roll of the tongue under its original moniker: La Bimba di Satana. Aside from a skinstantly tattoo-worthy poster image, Satan’s Baby Doll is rife with ripe Italian skin, and it’s been done up in terrific DVD form recently by the heroes at Severin Films.

THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (1974)
NUDES: Maggie Fitzgerald, Valerie Van Ost
THE SATANIC SKINNY: For Halloween 1977, I rigged myself up a Dracula costume, and I was very specific: I was Christopher Lee in The Satanic Rites of Dracula.

Just ponder at the puffy nip of Valerie Van Ost as she meets the business end of a wooden stake, along with every inch of lanky, strawberry-blonde, flat-as-an-old-school-coffin lid Maggie Fitzgerald in the blunt role of “Vampire Girl.”

Some things have not changed since I was actually able to grow a beard.

SATAN'S CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (2007)
NUDES: Emily Haack, Savage Noble, Jessie Seitz
THE SATANIC SKINNY: The original Cannibal Holocaust is a flawless and monumental exercise in disgust-o-rama brilliance, so to title a film Satan’s Cannibal Holocaust (or even Porno Holocaust), one is tempting more than mere fate.

Fortunately, this 2007 contender makes a viciously valiant effort, showcasing naked lady blood sacrifice, naked lady blood fucking, and naked lady Emily Haack, who is a long-time McBeardo fave and who starred (with an erotic broomstick) in another shocker whose moniker borrows from the one of the grindhouse greats: I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave.

SATAN’S SCHOOL FOR LUST (2002)
NUDES: Misty Mundae, Chelsea Mundae, Darian Caine, Barbara Joyce, Ruby LaRocca, Kelli Summers
THE SATANIC SKINNY: It was originally titled Satan’s School for Sluts and, no, Misty and Chelsea Mundae don’t defy any commandments against sisterly incest here (again), but this Seduction Cinema effort delivers what is required, with style, and look who plays the naked Satan -- Darian Caine!

TO THE DEVIL, A DAUGHTER (1976)
NUDE: Nastassja Kinski
THE SATANIC SKINNY: Here we have, in one very ’70s Gothic swoop, the very last production from England’s legendary horror powerhouse, Hammer Films, and the very first full-frontal exposure of teenage Nastassja Kinski. To the Devil, a Daughter? To the McBeardo, a boner.